I was called in for a court-ordered mediation for a post-divorce couple, about to have a trial. Mother requested a custody change.
This couple are very wealthy – a walking advertisement for the idea that having a lot of money is a disadvantage when you’re getting divorced. (Because you can get sucked into litigation.)
They have been embroiled in litigation for 7 years, and have spent more than $500,000 in legal fees.
How could this happen? Here’s what I see:
1. Each has a feeling of entitlement – maybe a bit spoiled. “This offer is not perfect, so I won’t take it.”
2. Unrealistic experience of life? Is anything perfect? Do they feel – ‘my life isn’t perfect, but it’s supposed to be?’
3. Attorneys who see role as to fight – rather than to counsel. “If there is an argument to be made then it’s my job to make it.”
4. Parents who have little self-reflection or insight –
5. Always looking outside themselves for the solution – “I have this problem, and you need to solve it.” Passivity.
6. Part of the passivity is – not answering any questions themselves – constantly looking to attorneys to tell them what to do. They have delegated authority for their lives to their attorneys.
The mediation was actually immensely successful. During the weeks that we were working together, for the first time in 7 years, the couple celebrated a holiday with the children, peacefully and joyfully – they were able to sit in the room together.
Sitting down together, asking them what they are thinking and feeling, and brainstorming about goals are really different ways to approach the family situation (apparently) as contrasted what the attorneys have done with them for the last 7 years. We were able to resolve almost all of the outstanding issues between them.