The starting point for divorce negotiations is to divide debt 50/50. This would not include debt racked up because of an addiction, gambling disorder, fancy dinners with a paramour. So the presumption that debt is joint can be questioned, depending on what the debt arose from. Lost a week’s pay gambling? That debt is yours. Dental bills and groceries? You’re sharing that.
Generally, mortgages stay with the house. A spouse gets the house, they would also get the mortgage. If the couple is selling the house, they pay off the mortgage and then split the remaining proceeds of the sale – equally, most often.
Responsibility for debt: Technically, credit cards are held by one person. Even if you are a cardholder on the account, the bills are only in your name, and you are the one that the credit card company will go after. However, if you are getting divorced, then the courts would have the authority to distribute the responsibility as they see fit.
To protect yourself, you and your partner can enter into a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement to clarify that debt in your name is yours, and theirs is theirs. Or you could say (in a prenup) that you will divide debt accrued during the marriage proportionally based on your incomes. (So if one partner earned $100k and the other earned $50k, the debt would be divided 2/3 – 1/3.)
The #1 thing I recommend is – know what’s going on in your household! Look at the monthly statement – forward it to your ex, after circling all the things you expect them to chip in for.
If credit card debt starts accruing, it’s hard to get out from under it, because the interest they charge is so high. You might have a chance to change it, restructure it – move it to 0% interest offers to keep interest charges from piling up – find a debt restructuring company, which will negotiate with your creditors, lower the balance owed and put you on a payment plan.
If you have retirement assets, maybe you can take a loan against them to pay off credit card debt. Those loans are great – you pay interest to yourself.
You can nip it in the bud – but only if you know about it. Some of the worst debt-divorce stories I have seen were where one partner accumulated debt that the other did not know about. Nothing like thinking, “great we’re selling our house for $1,300,000,” only to discover that your share will be $200,000 because there is debt that you only learned about at the closing.
You can also protect yourself with a postnuptial agreement. I worked with a couple whose only area of conflict was money, and they were debating whether to stay married. We negotiated the terms of a postnuptial agreement in which they agreed that any debt would belong to the person whose name is on the debt – and would belong solely to that spouse. Even if you’re already married, you can negotiate who will own what. Just be sure to put it in writing.
Will Mediation Benefit Us If We Have No Kids?
In mediation, we work to make space to have conversations that you have not been able to have on your own, which can help you to have closure, and to move forward without needing to keep rehashing the past.Continue reading “Will Mediation Benefit Us If We Have No Kids?”
Fuel for Conflict
People get into the worst fights when what they are fighting about is not what they are really fighting about…
I am working with a couple who have an extremely (and unusually) hostile and embittered post-divorce relationship. I am working with them as a parenting coordinator, not a mediator. This means that I was appointed by the court and have the power to make decisions if there is a time-sensitive matter pending. Usually, during mediation, I don’t have the power to make decisions (and why should I? Those are not my kids).Continue reading “Fuel for Conflict”
Does 50/50 reflect your feelings of self-worth?
Often times in mediation, we discover how conflicts bring forward other issues, including those of worth.
A couple came in to see me to mediate the terms of their separation.Continue reading “Does 50/50 reflect your feelings of self-worth?”
Negotiation in the Shadow of Threat
I had a call yesterday from Josh, who is working with his wife in mediation, with another mediator. Josh called to ask me about being his reviewing attorney, and wanted to get my take on a couple of things.
Josh and his wife, Becka, were having conflicts over who would move out of their house. They had separated bedrooms months ago (Josh has been sleeping on the couch,) and have put a schedule in place for caring for their children, so that each took turns making dinner, being on homework duty – and having nights ‘off,’ just as they will do when they separate. But they are both still residing in the house.
On the Same Side?
It is a challenge, in many relationships, to communicate your needs in a way that doesn’t come across as slamming your partner. I see men who feel decimated by the woman’s criticism – when I think the woman is trying to say, “I need this, and I would like to tell you about my needs, so that we can figure out a way for you to meet them, and I will be happy, and you will be happy.”
are there winners & losers?
I had a depressing mediation session today. A session like today’s makes me realize that mediation is an opportunity. But everyone is not able to take that opportunity.
The center of this couple’s conflicts revolve around their children.
Most couples I see fight. But when I mention their kids, I get smiles, and proud stories of how well the children are doing – or stories about concerns for the children, and how to shield them from parental conflict – Continue reading “are there winners & losers?”
The Draw of Conflict
To my mind, the costs of litigation and of fighting are so high – that I really can’t imagine deciding that I would rather fight than settle. But I guess it mainly depends on how the conflict is framed – whether you feel that there is an important principle at stake.
If you’re going to fight about something having to do with the children, they will know that you are fighting in court, and they will know that one parent thinks the other is screwing them over (or both parents think the other is screwing them over) and they will feel pulled-apart and tormented and guilty, over being the subject of the parents’ conflict.
Seeing People Change
Probably the most important piece – in order to mediate – is to have two people who want to come through the big picture OK. Neither is out to destroy the other.
I had a couple come into my office last week who I could tell HATED each other. He works really long hours, and she is furious and has felt completely abandoned by him for years.
Protecting Children From Conflict & Self-Blame
I was watching a movie the other night, (Future Weather) in which a 13-year-old girl came home from school and found a note from her mother saying, “I went to California. I left $50 in the drawer for you, for groceries.”
The girl lived in the house for a few days by herself, until her grandmother discovered her living alone, so she moved to her grandmother’s home.
Continue reading “Protecting Children From Conflict & Self-Blame”