Relocation and zero-sum discussion

I am sometimes so moved by this work.  There is so much at stake, and it means so much to my clients.

Today I met with a couple. The husband is a suited-up, successful professional, who cried, when thinking about the wife moving away to a different city, with their son.

Relocation is such a painful issue. Certainly – it’s better now that we have Facetime/Skype – at least you can see your kid. My daughter is away at college, and I do feel that I miss her less, after we Skype, than I do when we just talk on the phone. Seeing her face, her expressions – makes up for something.

But – ultimately – it’s a win/lose kind of issue, because one person will get those sleepy nights, putting your kid to bed – the hanging out – with him doing homework, and you chopping veggies for salad – the watching tv together – even the hectic mornings, rushing around getting breakfast, showered, dressed – when you hear those random questions about life, when you hear about her dream, when he tells you what happened in history class. And the other parent will miss many (though not all) of those moments.

But children really do need both parents, and children don’t stop thinking about the absent parent. They might think more about the absent parent. How many books are there about teens who are obsessed with their absent parents? A lot.

My hope is that we can find the interests they have in common – that the child really does need BOTH of his parents.  Can we focus on what the mother will be able to do to encourage the relationship of the father and the child?  Summers, school holidays, the child can spend with his father.  Maybe the mother can find a place for the father to stay in the other city when he comes to visit.

 

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