Rachel’s Musings: Family Mediation & Divorce Blog

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC You’re getting divorced and you’re angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight! If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a choice you may long regret. If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – including your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you. When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come. Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues. There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family. Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration. Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions. Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come! Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com 

I had a depressing mediation session recently. These types of sessions make me realize that mediation is an opportunity, but not everyone is able to take that opportunity. The center of this couple’s conflicts revolve around their children. Most couples I see fight, but when I mention their kids, I get smiles and proud stories of how well the children are doing or stories about concerns for the children and how to shield them from parental conflict or discussions about what each child needs, a math tutor or therapist. Usually there is agreement about these things from both parents. So, the families where there is not, stand out. This dad, *Albert wants their son, *Billy, to play on the travel softball team. Travel teams require a huge amount of time commitment. They usually have 2-3 games per week and in the NYC area, with traffic, it can easily take more than an hour to get to each one of those games. In addition, the team has a couple of weekly practice sessions and Billy is also doing private coaching. All of this, on top of school and homework, is a pretty heavy load for a 9 year old. The mother, *Andrea, has asked Billy if he wants to play on the travel soccer team, instead. Replacing the devil you know with the devil you don’t know. I have to be careful here, because I don’t want to be biased in either parent’s favor. Yes, the travel softball thing is a crazy schedule, but the kids who play travel sports tend to excel at sports through high school and it can help with high school admissions, which is high-pressure in NYC and following that, college admissions (a girl I know got into Stanford because she was recruited by a sports coach.) In addition, kids on teams make friends more quickly, when entering a new school because they have this close knit group of other kids sharing an experience. Part of me feels like it’s insane and part of me wishes I had been able to manage my scheduling and put my own kids on travel teams. As a mediator, I can see both sides, but I digress. Billy is clearly aware of his parents’ conflicts. Billy told mom: “I feel like daddy won’t love me if I stop playing softball.” Andrea thinks Billy should play soccer and applied to put him on a soccer travel team. So, is it the travel team that is the problem? The softball playing? Or is it a power grab, neither parent wants the kids participating in an activity picked by the other parent? I worked with a very high conflict couple, several years ago, as a parenting coordinator (a post-divorce process for couples who keep going back to court about their children) and the parents actually had their 7 year old going to 2 different dance studios and having classes and recitals at both studios, at the same time. Each of them wanted the chance to take the kid to dance class, so, by golly, they each signed her up for dance class. They couldn’t alternate taking her, because the need to avoid feeling like he/she LOST.  Very dangerous, to frame things in that win/lose dichotomy. For many couples, thinking of it from the kid’s perspective, can help guide the way to find the structure for the desired results.

I was watching a movie the other night, Future Weather. A 13-year-old girl comes home from school and finds a note from her mother saying, “I went to California. I left $50 in the drawer for you, for groceries.” The girl lived in the house for a few days by herself, until her grandmother discovered her living alone, so she moved to her grandmother’s home. Later in the film, she and her grandmother were bickering, and the grandmother says, “You know your mother wanted to get an abortion. Yup, she wanted to get rid of you and I said to her, ‘over my dead body.’ Serves me right, now I’m stuck with you. What goes around comes around.” This is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard someone say to a child! This child will never forget that statement, and never be rid of the feeling that she is the cause of all of the troubles of the adults in her life, she is the reason that her mother left to go to California. I thought about my clients, who work so hard to protect their children from the conflicts between them and who want their children to come through the divorce with as few scars as possible. I thought about the Child’s Bill of Rights, which I put into every agreement: a. The right not to be asked to “choose sides” between the Parents. b. The right not to be told the details of fights between the Parents. c. The right not to be told “bad things” about the other Parent’s personality or character. d. The right to privacy when communicating with either Parent. e. The right not to be cross-examined by one Parent after spending time with the other Parent. f. The right not to be a messenger from one Parent to the other. g. The right not to be asked by one Parent to tell the other Parent untruths. h. The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the difficult issues between the Parents. i. The right to express feelings, whatever those feelings may be, or to choose not to express certain feelings. j. The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both Parents, or for developing a loving relationship with a new partner of either Parent. Many of the parents I see are distraught over the pain their children will suffer as a result of the divorce. Through open communication, there are ways to minimize this. 

Sometimes I'm incredibly moved by this work. There's so much at stake, my client's entire world. One couple, the husband was a successful, suited professional, who cried when thinking about the wife moving to a different city with their son. Relocation is a painful issue. Certainly, it’s better now that we have Facetime/Skype, at least you can see your kid. My daughter is away at college and I miss her a little less after we Skype than when we talk on the phone. Seeing her face, her expressions, makes up for something. Ultimately, it’s a win/lose kind of issue. One person gets those sleepy nights, putting your kid to bed, hanging out with them doing homework while you chop veggies for dinner, watching tv together, the hectic mornings rushing to get breakfast, showered, dressed... This is when you hear those random life questions. When you hear about his dream, when she tells you what happened in history class. The other parent unfortunately misses many, though not all, of these moments. The bottom line is, children really do need both parents and they don’t stop thinking about the absent parent. They may even think about the absent parent more. How many books are there about teens obsessed with their absent parents? Too many. How can we help these situations? We can focus on what one parent can do to encourage the relationship with the absent parent? Summers, school holiday visits. Maybe helping to find a place for the absent parent to stay in the new city when they come to see their child. This is what mediation is about, finding what works for the new restructured family and of course putting the child's needs first. 

I met with a couple who about 14 years ago, used mediation for their divorce and wanted to resolve a new conflict in their restructured family. They were having trouble figuring out the amount of credit the father should get, as one of the kids was going to college and no longer had expenses at the mother's home. This created a lot of conflict and because of it, the children spent almost no time with their father and on the infrequent occasion when the parents did communicate, it was via text. I felt nervous before the meeting. I was worried that the distance of the years that have passed would turn the whole thing into a screaming match. Instead, it turned out that the parents have really pulled it together to support their children in a way I found very moving. The mother agreed it wasn't fair to receive child support while their son was away. This lowered the temperature in the room as the father felt understood and didn’t have to fight as hard. They said that their son was having challenges and the mother had found a boarding school for him to attend. The parents weren’t speaking much at that point, so the mother just put together the money to pay for a year in boarding school. The father said, 'She did an amazing job and probably saved his life. I didn’t have the money to pay for my half but in the future, I will pay her back.' Since they both acknowledged each other’s needs, the rest was simple calculations. We finished up and they left. When I came out of my office about 15 minutes later, I saw them standing together up the block, talking. Shifting our focus can help us resolve conflicts.

A lot of parents don’t know how to navigate a conversation with their kids about their separation or divorce. I want to share some rules and guidelines... “We told our teenager on Monday that we're separating. I'm uncertain how to have read the expression on her face… maybe shock or disbelief. We've had so many years of conflict, it’s hard to believe she's surprised. It unnerved me. We went shopping on Tuesday and had a nice day, had some great moments, bopping around looking for cool stuff. But there was a pallor that was present all day.” “I want to be able to tell our child why this happened, so she understands, but I don’t want to play the blame game. I can’t be completely honest, so I think she's confused and I'm getting stressed.” "I don’t feel grounded when my ex is around, I'm sad and angry. Sad about the loss and doing this to our child, when she's getting ready to go to college. Everyone's putting on their happy face but it's confusing.” My Advice: It’s always amazing how much kids can be in their own heads and not notice things going on around them. We can think they know/sense what's going on between adults but they often don't or don't recognize yet, what it is they're seeing. Good rules to live by: Let the child ask the questions. Don’t bring it up or volunteer information, other than what is being asked for. Be open and answer all your child’s questions while following the rest of these rules. Remember psychologically/unconsciously children feel that they're half their mother and half their father, so if someone says, "Your dad's lazy", they hear it as, "Half of me is lazy." This can help to guide you to avoid the blame-game when answering their questions. Remind the child that she/he didn’t do anything to cause this. Because of the way our brain develops, it's important to reassure children that they are not to blame. In my experience, deep down children know the truth of their parents’ divorce. They know both of you, inside and out and over the next 20 or so years they'll ask more questions. Breathe. There's time.  Finding that balance between feeling you're being your authentic self and protecting the child can be challenging. Remember she/he doesn’t need, nor want details that you might find important. It’s the end of a long relationship and very normal to have mixed and complicated feelings, for all of you. If you’re feeling sad, you’re allowed to tell your child that. However, it's best to keep the complaining to your friends and your therapist, not to your kids.

The answer is a personal one and depends where you're both at. Are you 100% sure you're headed for divorce or is there a chance of separating for a few months, a year, even 3 and then reconciling? Do you feel you wouldn't be able to date if you're still married? Is one of you on the other’s health insurance? There are three differences between signing a full separation agreement and living apart, according to its terms, and filing for a divorce. 1. Taxes: Filing taxes together as a married couple is usually cheaper than filing as married/separate. While you're still married you can file joint taxes. 2. Health Insurance: Another reason to stay legally married is for health insurance. A married couple, even if legally separated, can stay on each other’s plans, but once divorced you can’t. When considering whether or not to divorce, it's important to look at the health coverage plans you and your partner have and if there are any feasible alternatives if you separate. Children’s health insurance is not affected and they can stay on either parent’s plan after a divorce. 3. Emotional: The ending of a marriage is usually stressful and emotional. Many couples crave closure and once divorced, feel they are (or will be) better equipped to move on and begin to heal. Other couples don't find as much significance in this legal status. Some people feel that they can't date while still legally married, while I’ve had couples who are living with someone else or even expecting another child when their divorce comes through. Your situation is unique and you can consider these points as you consider your options.

In mediation we work to make space for the conversations you haven't been able to have on your own. Which can help find closure and move forward without needing to keep rehashing the past. You'll have the chance to discuss anything that feels unresolved. Couples have wanted to work out details about custody for a pet, dividing the silverware, wedding gifts and who keeps the couch. You can also discuss feelings around dividing friends. Many details arise as you un-intertwine and emotions are connected to monetary value. Our job is to help you craft an agreement that you both feel is fair. Mediation can also help with closure by better understanding the reasons why you’re separating. *Adrian used to be a heroin addict but had been sober for 20 years. Jill had struggled with an eating disorder since she was a teen. I guided them through a discussion about how addictive issues had blocked intimacy during their marriage. Adrian felt he'd grown and developed during the marriage, but that Jill hadn’t grown along with him. They were both crying, he with sorrow and empathy and she with sorrow and apology. They left mediation with increased understanding of why their relationship deteriorated and having shared mutual feelings of loss, which left neither feeling at fault. *Mason and Rose talked about the issues that led them to divorce. Mason asked when Rose had first thought about ending their marriage. Rose confessed that at various times she'd been unhappy and had never told Mason. He was devastated to hear this and asked why? We delved into the blocks that had prevented Mason from seeing how Rose felt and had prevented Rose from communicating her truth. They left mediation with a better understanding of their marriage, each other and themselves. Mediation can help you resolve open issues and end your relationship as smoothly as possible. We make space for you to share your thoughts and grief with your soon to be ex partner, whether they feel the same as you do or not. It’s a process that allows you to further understand yourself and your ex, resolve legal issues for a divorce and to get the closure you need to move into the next chapter of your life.

Brian and Zeke were divorcing and both wanted to continue working in the business they started together. We discussed the pros and cons. Pros: Continuity of service for the customer Maintaining incomes Keeping the good and getting rid of the not so good Cons: Harder to end the relationship Will they be able to work together constructively? They decided to continue their business because they think they'll be ok. Each has his own sphere of authority within the business and if issues arise, they'll come back to mediation. Mediation - where problems are resolved.

Some couples who come to mediation are high conflict. No matter what they’re discussing, they take extreme positions. His position, he wants to pay zero. Her position, she wants 100. In many situations the cycle of fighting is covering underlying issues. All each person wants is for the other to understand their thoughts/needs/views. When we’re rigidly taking a stance unwilling to consider other options, negotiations are difficult, especially when children are involved. But people can change. One couple took a break from mediation as it was so full of conflict. When they returned, whenever the husband was argumentative, the wife would pause for a few seconds and then respond, not by telling him how wrong he was, but instead stating why she needed what she needed. After the session I asked her about this new behavior and she explained that she’d been learning how to self regulate. She knew their old way of communicating or not communicating, was hindering them moving forward, so decided to find a different way to deal with the situation. We were able to move forward with the mediation and they were each able to move into new chapters of their lives.

When I get a call from someone whose spouse has substance abuse, my heart sinks. Substance abuse is a challenging, intractable problem. It feels as if there are two relationships within the marriage. The relationship between the two spouses and the relationship between the addict and their addiction. How do you trust someone who’s as obsessed and driven as an addict? We can't have a negotiated settlement with someone who's actively addicted to a mind-altering substance and still in the throes of the fight. AA’s Step One – admit you have a problem. This really is the first step and absolutely a prerequisite for negotiating in mediation. We must be able to talk about the risks to the family members and can’t do that if the addict hasn’t completed Step One. These are some of the challenges I’ve seen… A man who every night drinks to oblivion. Blackouts around 7pm and wants his 5 year old twins to spend the night at his apartment. What if one of the kids wakes during the night unwell? Will dad be able to get up and help the child? No, because when someone’s passed out, they’re not asleep, they’re unable to be woken. A woman drank till she passed out on the floor, while supposedly caring for her 1 ½ year old. She'd left a pot on the stove with the burner on. Luckily the dad came home and found the child playing on the floor next to his mother. The pot was burnt but hadn’t yet, caused a fire. An 8 year old woke in the night and went looking for his father, much to his surprise and terror found he was alone with his sleeping 6 year old sister. Dad had put the kids to bed and thought, “Oh, now I’m free to go to the local pub for a drink.” How do I know about this story? The terrified child called his mother, she dropped everything and rushed over to pick up the kids. If we can’t discuss the risks to family members and the non-addicted person’s fears, then we can’t begin to figure out guidelines for working with these families. That’s not to say that there’s no way back. People can get sober and successfully stay sober and change their lives. We want to support recovery efforts wherever we see them. However, we can’t rush to the finish line, it takes the time it takes. And if we do have someone who’s working on sobriety, how do we quell the other parents’ concern and fears? Some choices are daily drug and alcohol tests and / or have another adult present. Maybe a family member or sitter, who monitors the situation and has authority to take the kids and leave, if they have reason to suspect that the parent is relapsing.

Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn’t feel angry there would probably be something very wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce. When that person tells the other that he or she has decided to leave the marriage, the other is in shock and has to deal with lots of emotions: sorrow, fear and certainly anger. Whether you're the angry one or are dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it’s never easy. Anger often builds up without your knowing it and if you are not aware of feeling angry, the anger will cause you, or your spouse to lash out. Anger can be expressed in mediation and in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed and must be explored and understood. Anger tells me someone has important needs which are not being met. When someone is angry I want to hear how they are feeling and want to understand why they are angry. If you could resolve all of these problems yourselves, you probably wouldn’t be getting divorced. All couples have issues which feel overwhelming to one or both of you and feels they can't be resolved, but that's not a fact, it is how you feel. Hopefully, you are coming to mediation to help this resolution come sooner, rather than later. I have seen people really transformed by the mediation process from the time when they first separate, when they are full of fear and don’t know what their future will look and a year or so later, when all of the issues have been worked out and they have learned they can survive and develop a new, full and satisfying life independent of their former spouse. If the feelings are too painful, I will offer people the choice not to speak to each other directly. If someone is very angry, they may prefer to speak to me rather than to their spouse. We may need to take a break from mediation, sometimes a few weeks, until the person starts to work through the anger and feel better. I may have some separate meetings with the angry person to help them explore their options and understand what is at the core of the anger, usually as part of a joint session in which I would also meet with the spouse to get their input on how to meet the needs of the angry person so that we can move through and work with the anger. When we use anger as a tool, it can fuel movement in mediation. I recently mediated a divorce where the husband, Bill* expressed a lot of anger during our first session. He did not want to pay alimony (which in NY state is called maintenance), and was furious that his wife, Cathy* was requesting it. As we began to explore this issue, Cathy spoke about why she felt she was entitled to alimony, she’d given up her career to take care of their children, and this was a joint decision they made when they had their first child. This information did not ease his anger. I asked Bill to tell us why he felt so strongly about this, I assured him Cathy would listen and not interrupt. He began to talk eloquently about how difficult this period of time had been for him, how he was living in a small apartment while his wife and children were in their spacious house. How he didn’t have money to go out to dinner or a movie, how he was cooped up and alone in this small apartment, while she was in their beautiful home with the children. Bill’s anger helped him to express some important needs that he had not expressed before. He felt that financially, things were very tight. He felt under a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner. He felt that Cathy didn’t understand what he was going through. He felt that he didn’t see his children enough. Cathy was able to hear all of this and she responded by talking about the financial pressures she felt, too. She couldn’t buy new shoes for the children or for herself, nor could she get her hair colored. Cathy was sympathetic to her husband and was even having a similar experience. Cathy had planned to go back to work, but after listening to Bill, she said that she realized she needed to try to find a job immediately. She said she was not at all trying to keep the children from their father, and offered to alter the schedule anytime he could get off work early to spend more time with the children. When I helped Cathy listen to Bill, and Bill felt heard by her, his anger began to dissipate. He acknowledged what a wonderful mother she had been to their children, and how glad he was that she’d been able to be home with the children until now, and was even able to realize that he felt sad that she wasn’t going to continue to be home with them. This family was able to resolve their conflict over alimony and the anger was a useful tool that helped us to accomplish this resolution. Once Cathy began to plan to go back to work, Bill relaxed about the issue of alimony. As they were both having the same experience about money, the discussion shifted, instead of the problem being whether Cathy would take money from Bill, we instead confronted a shared problem, how to have more money in the family? I told the couple about tax implications – money paid for child support is not deductible, but money paid for maintenance IS deductible. Suddenly, Bill’s eyes lit up. He realized that if he paid alimony to Cathy, and she used it to run the household, they would both end up in lower tax brackets, thereby resulting in a net tax savings. (Note: This law changed Jan. 2019 – alimony is no longer deductible to payor under federal law, though it’s still deductible under NY state law.) We ended the session talking about how much and how long he should pay Cathy maintenance, instead of whether he would give it to her. Sometimes anger can't be so easily resolved. Many fights are caused by disappointed expectations. No one gets married expecting to divorced. Disappointed expectations are painful to swallow, but are to be expected during a divorce. If you feel overwhelmed by the feelings of your divorce, don't be afraid to seek help. Get some additional support in your life, consider seeing a therapist for a period of time. The more support you get, the faster you will get through this and come out the other side. You WILL find your way through all of these difficult changes. Someday you will look back on this and find that there are ways that it made you stronger.

I usually begin mediation sessions by asking a couple why they are coming to mediation. This helps people to remember what kind of process and outcome they are hoping for and lets me know how much they know about the process. I met with a new couple last week, and when I asked them this question, I was blown away by their answers. In 5 minutes, they described the most idealistic mediation process and highlighted (what I see as) the benefits of mediation. They said... they want to stay amicable mediation is less costly mediation would allow them to maintain good communication makes sense because they have a son not a lot of contentious issues between them so, why enter a process which might create conflict? avoid a war like session get guidance and counsel from neutral, objective persons won’t waste money more antiseptic, won’t create big wounds more transparent, by starting discussions in the room together, they would explore information together, and decide together  So beautiful!

The answer to this varies a lot. Firstly, you’re in control, you decide how long you want between appointments. If you want to move through the process quickly or slowly. I’ve had clients who met once a week for 4 weeks, they resolved everything in the sessions and signed their agreement and court papers. From start to finish it was 5-7 weeks. My longest-running case took 9 years. They would come in when they needed help resolving something, once a year or year and a half. Their child grew up, they put him through college, sold the marital home and were still married. When they came in to sign their papers, they both cried. Even though they hadn’t lived together in years, it still meant something that they were married. The official end of the marriage was an important marker. I’ve had cases where one partner has toyed with the idea of separation; run it through their minds for months or even years and is now ready to tell the spouse they want to break up. Meanwhile, the spouse is shocked. “Every time we fight you threaten divorce, but you never did anything about it, so I never thought you were serious.” “You’re telling the mediator that you were so unhappy. Why didn’t you tell me that, during our marriage?” In those situations, we have to give the non-initiating spouse the time to adjust to the idea of the split; begin to mourn the big changes that come with a break-up. They have to process the loss of the future they thought they were going to have before they’re ready to make decisions about how their lives will be structured in the future. Often, they’re not doing that processing with me; but with a therapist, or just with friends and families. I don’t hear from them for 8 or 12 or 16 months and they come back in a different place. Looking stronger and more confident, ready to approach these decisions.  On average though, couples finish the mediation process in 2-18 months.

The courts have some test programs running where they refer cases to mediation. Parties are screened for some known red flags but pretty much if your case is sent to mediation, you have to attend, well first session at least.* Some of these cases are rough! We have to undo 2-3 years of damage in their ability to trust each other, eroded from the litigation process, before we can even begin to have productive discussions about moving forward. That damage crops up again and again and has to be scraped away each time. These couples aren't necessarily high conflict by personality, psychology or history, it’s the damage that's been done by being in litigation and all the time operating out of defensiveness and fear, with their normal communication blocked, sometimes at their lawyers’ instruction. *The mediators donate 90 minutes of time, free, and then, if the parties so choose, they can continue at the mediator’s hourly rate.

Many people don’t know that about 98% of contested divorce and family court cases never appear before a judge in a trial and are settled by their attorneys out of court. The parties may meet the judge in a hearing or settlement conference (where you go into the judge’s chambers and get scolded for not reaching an agreement), but the judge will rarely, if ever, make decisions at time. For the most part, judges hate making decisions for families. Even though it's their job to do so, they can't give up hope that parents will find their higher selves and work out their issues around parenting. Most people prefer to make decisions for their kids rather than have a stranger in black robes tell them how to parent. After all, it doesn't matter to the judge if you want your kid to study ballet, play soccer, take piano, French or tennis lessons, but it probably matters quite a lot to you. Even around finances, which are thought to involve less emotion (though I question that) judges will want to defer to a divorce financial analyst or financial expert. The reality is that our court system is so backed up and slow to come to decisions, that attorneys at some point get real with each other and say 'look, you know what you're asking is not reasonable,’ and a compromise begins. As a trained mediator and collaborative attorney, I can be the first step, so your settlement negotiations involve focusing on your underlying interests and finding solutions that work for both of you and your kids.

When people use the terms ‘sole custody’ or ‘joint custody’ what do they mean? I’ve found when people say they want sole custody, what they mean might not be what I mean, when using the term. In the context of a contested divorce, versus an uncontested divorce, they might mean they want their child to be with them full-time or they might be talking about who has the authority to make decisions about the child. There are two components of custody in New York: physical custody (also called residential custody), which is the schedule of the child for going back and forth between the parents’ homes (parenting time) and legal custody, which is the authority to make decisions for the child. Legal custody would apply only to major decisions that have long term effect on the child, such as religious education, choice of school and medical decisions. This wouldn’t apply to day-to-day decisions; Can I have a sleepover at Bo’s house on Saturday? Can I have candy after school? I had a case where the parents were fighting bitterly over sole custody. As it turned out no one had asked them what they meant by sole custody. One parent wanted the kids every other weekend because they were in middle school and high school and were busy all week with school and after-school activities. They wanted to be involved in making decisions. The other parent wanted the kids to spend weeknights in one home, to have consistent routines for getting ready for school, and every other weekend with each parent, and was happy for the co-parent to have sole decision making around medical questions, as they were a doctor, and shared decision making about everything else. It turned out that both parents could have what they wanted with sole custody.

I was called in for a court ordered mediation for a post-divorce couple, about to have a trial. The Mother requested a custody change. This couple are very wealthy, a walking advertisement for the idea that having a lot of money is a disadvantage when you’re getting divorced. Why? Because you can get sucked into litigation. They have been embroiled in litigation for 7 years, and have spent more than $500,000 in legal fees. How could this happen? Here’s what I see: 1. Each has a feeling of entitlement, maybe a bit spoiled. “This offer is not perfect, so I won’t take it.” 2. Unrealistic experience of life? Is anything perfect? Do they feel, ‘my life isn’t perfect, but it’s supposed to be?’ 3. Attorneys who see their role as to fight rather than to counsel. “If there is an argument to be made then it’s my job to make it.” 4. Parents who have little self reflection or insight 5. Always looking outside themselves for the solution. “I have this problem and you need to solve it.” 6. Passivity. Part of the passivity is not answering any questions themselves, constantly looking to attorneys to tell them what to do. They have delegated authority for their lives to their attorneys. The mediation was actually immensely successful. During the weeks that we were working together, for the first time in 7 years, the couple celebrated a holiday with the children, peacefully and joyfully. They were able to sit in the room together. Sitting down together in Mediation and asking what they're thinking and feeling and brainstorming goals, are very different ways to approach the family situation in contrast to what the attorneys did for 7 years. We were able to resolve almost all of the outstanding issues. 

I had a call from Josh*, who wants me to be his reviewing attorney. He and his wife Becka* are working with another mediator. Josh and Becka were having conflicts over who would move out of their house. For months they had separated bedrooms, (well Josh was on the couch), a schedule caring for their children which outlined who cooked, homework duty, nights off etc. Exactly as they'll do when they separate. Josh said that Becka is a type A highly strung person who has trouble when she's not in control. During mediation, she said to him, “Either you move out or mediation ends now and I hire a litigation attorney.” This is troubling on several levels. First of all, mediation is a voluntary process. The reason that the process is voluntary, is so that we end up with an agreement that works for both people and reflects both people’s needs, interests, ideas. Instead, Becka was attempting to negotiate via threat and duress - I will get the big guns out to destroy your life. I will spend our children’s entire college fund on litigation just to make your life a living hell. I am angry, so you better give in to me or you'll regret it. We can’t mediate in the shadow of threats. Just as people can’t freely discuss their honest thoughts, ideas and feelings if they fear later they'll be hit for having disagreed with their (former) partners. Becka is, intentionally or not, creating exactly what she threatens, because Josh may not be able to return to mediation. What if instead Becka said, "I'm suffering with us living in the same house. Would you move out if I were to . . ." Then find some ways to sweeten the pot, such as offer him some extra cash in the final settlement. Not take a piece of retirement that she would be entitled to. Offer to pay spousal support to him. Pay his moving and set-up costs. Even offer more time with the children. Then she would be negotiating. Mediation is: 1) Coming to have a better understanding of what your ex needs, in order to move forward. 2) Reaching across the table to offer something they want, in order to get something you want.  Without the willingness to listen, hear, and try to understand the other person’s perspective, we can't accomplish movement in mediation.

In mediation, we start from an underlying premise that we can find a place which will meet the needs of all family members. In litigation however, this is not always the case and often the needs of the family get lost in a power struggle, full of fear & defense. Can high conflict couples mediate? Looking back at the highest conflict couple I ever met with, I question whether they were litigious to start with and went to attorneys who reflected this or did their attorneys make them more litigious? Hard to know. Could this couple mediate? The temperature of their sessions was high, during one mediation, the wife became so angry she thew a pad of paper across the room. They started their divorce process in a negative way. The husband’s parents warned that she might kidnap the kids and take them to Europe. You should take the children’s passports and change the life insurance while you’re at it. He did as they advised. Injecting fear and distrust. Then he hired a process server to serve the summons for divorce on her. Starting with an attack makes anyone feel fear and when you're afraid, you look for protection. The attorneys were fighting over the kids’ schedule for spending time with dad. When the fight becomes about power, who will win and who will lose, it's hard to evaluate the benefit of trying different schedules, seeing how they feel and what works for the entire family. In mediation I can suggest, how about we try mom’s idea for November and dad’s idea for December? Then meet early January and see how the kids are doing and how it felt? This is because in mediation we start from an underlying premise that we can find what both parents need, as far as their kids are concerned. That there's a place which will meet the needs of every family member. An assumption of bounty, rather than one of limited resources. That quality time with each parent benefits the kids and the parents. We need enough trust that if one says, 'The baby had a lot of trouble falling asleep.' The other parent says, 'Oh, the poor baby, what do you think caused that? How can we help her avoid that in the future?' Then they can work together to resolve the problem. Also, how we frame the other parent outlines how we move forward. The mother was invested in proving that she was the #1 parent. She wanted to know the father's work schedule over the past year, to prove he wasn’t a consistent dad. The focus could have been on how can he be a better dad moving forward, given his work and travel obligations? Instead the focus was on, how can she win.  So many ways open up when we stop the power struggle and can then start mediating.

Here's an excellent article, which I was quoted in: Love And Money: Experts Weigh In On How Women Can Protect Their Assets In The Event Of Divorce. https://madamenoire.com/1212291/how-to-protect-assets-from-divorce If you recently turned into Wendy Williams: The Movie and the follow-up documentary, Wendy Williams: What A Mess , you likely saw two stories unfold: One that told the tale of a self-made woman who had her heart broken by her husband of twenty-plus years and the other of a woman who found the strength to kick him to the curb and protect her assets to the best of her ability . It’s bad enough that Kevin Hunter cheated on her for years and eventually produced a child with his long-time mistress, but the thought of him riding off into the sunset with his girlfriend in the wake of the divorce settlement and living happily ever after off of Williams’s dime is even more unsettling. Thankfully, Williams eventually smartened up and gathered a legal team who helped her to retain most of her assets in the divorce. Sure, Hunter left the marriage with his luxury vehicle collection, some money from the home that they owned together in Livingston, New Jersey, and a handsome severance package from Wendy Williams Productions, but things could have been much worse. Williams exited the marriage without having to pay alimony, Hunter’s legal fees, with sole ownership of Wendy Williams Productions, and all of the money from their joint bank account. While her highly favorable divorce settlement can definitely be attributed to her talented and well-paid legal team, it is also the result of some smart money moves that were taken prior to the breakdown of the couple’s marriage. With all of this talk of divorce and asset protection, you may be wondering how you can safeguard your own coins in the event of a divorce. With that in mind, we spoke to a couple of experts to help you get started. The most important step is to have knowledge about what the assets are, Rachel Green, attorney-mediator at ReSolutions Mediation & Collaborative Services tells MadameNoire. “Keep your own copies of tax returns. Have ‘financial dates’ with your spouse where you ask questions and have a list of assets.” Keep anything you inherit in your name “If you inherit something, keep it in your own name,” Green advises. “I had a client who bought a house and put down two million dollars that she had inherited, but put the house in joint name with her husband. When they divorced, the judge said, ‘You lived there together for 10 years. It’s in your joint names, it’s joint property.’ Had she put it just in her name, she would have at least gotten her two million dollars back.” Keep your eye on your credit reports “Make sure you check your credit report,” Green says. “They’re free once per year, and exchange them with your spouse. Make sure that there are no debts being run up that you don’t know about.” Stay woke “In my experience, by the time a woman is facing a divorce, it’s too late,” Cheryl Dillon, divorce coach and co-founder of Equitable Mediation Services tells MadameNoire. “In many of the cases I’ve seen, the wife has relied on her husband to manage the household finances — whether that’s paying the bills, saving for retirement, or managing a household budget. More often than not, the women I’ve worked with don’t have any interest in being involved. So the best way a woman can protect her assets in the event of a divorce is to be involved in the household finances from the start. She should pay the bills, sit with her spouse and talk about retirement planning, ask to review quarterly financial statements so she has an understanding of the assets she/they have in savings and for retirement. And she should be an active participant in preparing their taxes. This way she’ll have a good understanding of the comings and goings of her financial matters so if she does find herself facing divorce, she’ll have an excellent idea of what she/the couple owns and owes, and can make smart decisions at that time regarding her financial future.”

It's a challenge in many relationships, to communicate your needs in ways that doesn’t come across as slamming your partner. I see men who feel decimated by the woman’s criticism. When I think the woman is saying, “I need this and I would like to tell you about my needs, so that we can figure out a way for you to meet them and I will be happy and you will be happy.” Sometimes the man doesn't hear it that way. Callie and Brandon, unmarried parents, were so united talking about their child, that it seemed it would be the easiest mediation, why did they even need me? Then we started talking about money. I could see Callie feeling Brandon was ungenerous and Brandon felt stretched and unable to pay anything towards support, food, diapers, childcare. In discussion, they were unable to create an environment to work together, contribute to their home and child. As soon as she spoke, he shut down, practically rolled his eyes saying, “here we go again, whatever I do is unnoticed, unacknowledged, she's only focused on what she wants.” He couldn't hear what she was saying. Being engrossed with one’s own actions and point of view is normal and human. However, in a couple, how can each partner bring acknowledgement of the other’s actions? In mediation, we really are in this together, because we won’t have a solution unless it works for both people.

The starting point for divorce negotiations is to divide debt 50/50. This doesn't include debt racked up because of an addiction, gambling disorder or fancy dinners with a paramour. So, the presumption that debt is joint can be questioned, depending on what the debt arose from. Lost a week’s pay gambling? That's yours. Dental bills and groceries? You’re sharing. Generally, mortgages stay with the house. A spouse gets the house, they also get the mortgage. If the couple sells the house, most often they pay off the mortgage, then split the remaining proceeds of the sale equally. Responsibility for debt: Technically, credit cards are held by one person. Even if you're a cardholder on the account, the bills are only in your name and you're the one the credit card company will go after. However, if you're getting divorced, then the courts have the authority to distribute the responsibility as they see fit. To protect yourself, you and your partner can enter into a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement to clarify the debt in your name is yours and their name is theirs. You can say in a prenup that you'll divide debt accrued during the marriage proportionally based on your incomes. If one partner earned $100k and the other earned $50k, the debt would be divided 2/3 – 1/3. The number one thing I recommend, is to know what’s going on in your household. Look at the monthly statement, circle everything you expect your partner or ex partner to chip in for and send it to them. If credit card debt starts accruing, it’s hard to get out from under it, because the interest they charge is so high. You might have a chance to change it, restructure it – move it to 0% interest offers to keep interest charges from piling up. Find a debt restructuring company, which will negotiate with your creditors, lower the balance owed and put you on a payment plan. If you have retirement assets, maybe you can take a loan against them to pay off credit card debt. Those loans are great, you pay interest to yourself. You can nip it in the bud but only if you know about it. Some of the worst debt divorce stories I've seen were where one partner accumulated debt that the other didn't know about. Nothing like thinking, “great we’re selling our house for $1,300,000,” only to discover your share will be $200,000 because you only learned about the debt at closing. You can also protect yourself with a postnuptial agreement. I worked with a couple whose only area of conflict was money and they were debating whether to stay married. We negotiated the terms of a postnuptial agreement in which they agreed that any debt would belong to the person whose name was on the debt and would belong solely to that spouse. Even if you’re already married, you can negotiate who will own what. Just be sure to put it in writing 

Dealing with jealousy is a painful and challenging issue for anyone and during divorce, it can be more pernicious. The person you’ve loved and trusted with your life, has practically turned on you and left. It can be less painful to think that it’s someone else’s fault, than to face the reality that 2 people contributed to the end of a marriage. It’s painful to be left for another person. However, it can be just as painful to believe you’re being left for another person and your ex keeps denying it. Are you being gaslighted? Are you going crazy? For the accused partner, if you’ve begun a new relationship, best to mea culpa and be honest. The truth always comes out eventually. The longer you lie the more hurt and manipulated your ex will feel. If you’re not in another relationship, the dynamics can be even more challenging. You can’t prove a negative (e.g. I am not having an affair with Tony), and it’s exhausting continuously denying, denying, denying. This is where a mediator helps or talk with your consulting attorney about how to bring the accusations and the truth into the room. Mediation works best when we face reality, be it super painful or extremely irritating. We need reality as the base for the conversations to be meaningful and useful, when structuring your future.

To my mind, the costs of litigation and of fighting are so high, that I really can’t imagine deciding that I would rather fight than settle. But I guess it mainly depends on how the conflict is framed, whether you feel that there is an important principle at stake. If you’re going to fight about something having to do with the children, they will know that you are fighting in court, and they will know that one parent thinks the other is screwing them over (or both parents think the other is screwing them over) and they will feel pulled-apart and tormented and guilty, over being the subject of the parents’ conflict. If a couple has true joint custody – 50/50 time division with the children – NY State still requires some payment of child support. There are several options: put in payments back and forth to each other. i.e. dad pays mom $100 on the 1st of the month and mom pays dad $100 on the 15th of the month net out child support payments, based on incomes, if dad would have to pay $1,000 per month child support to mom, under the statute, and mom would have to pay $800 per month to dad, then dad pays $200 per month to mom analyze incomes and expenses and allocate the shortfall equally put in child support to agreement and divorce papers and enter into a “side agreement,” signed 1 day after, where the recipient parent agrees not to enforce the order for child support. This one is risky because it’s really an end run around the courts, and it’s hard to know whether it would be enforceable. For someone who is very economically comfortable, but feels that there is a principle at stake, “if we both have the children 50% of the time, why should I pay child support?” is it really worth fighting about in court? You will end up, very quickly, spending amounts on attorney fees that are similar to what you would spend by just paying child support. In general the courts are not too sympathetic to parents who don’t want to pay child support. Even in a 50/50 time sharing case. There is, I think, an unconscious fantasy that you will teach the other person a lesson. That he/she will finally understand how hurt you were, or how wrong he/she is, when you show that you are willing to stake more money than is in controversy, to prove him/her wrong and you right. I don’t think anyone comes out of a divorce court feeling, “Wow, now I really get it, I was so wrong.” In fact, I don’t think anyone comes out of court feeling, “Wow that was so satisfying, that judge totally understood me.” Then there is this article (from the website of Geneen Roth, Vol. 6, Issue 6): I recalled something [my ex] said during a fight we had in a spectacular restaurant. “Why not think of all the times we’ve celebrated and all the times we have yet to celebrate as a bank account from which we can draw funds?” he asked. “Let’s put aside this fight, take some celebration savings out now, and replenish the fund when we get home.”  I remember looking from him to the mushroom tart on my plate, thinking, I could let this horrible fight go. I could enjoy this tart, and we could have a wonderful time. Then I thought, but if I let it go, I will be a wimp. He doesn’t deserve to have a good time after what he’s done. If I let go, he will win. I didn’t bother to ask myself what I would lose by holding on to my anger. I only figured that if he didn’t love me, the least he could do was suffer. So I said, Forget it. It’s a terrible idea and ruined the evening for both of us.

I saw my cousin over the weekend. Her brother is a drug addict. He steals from his parents, never holds jobs, is in & out of jail. She said her parents told her that they are planning to leave their house, when they die, jointly to her and her brother. She said, “Figure this out now, because he will fight me to get the whole thing, and I will just walk away. I am not going to fight.” So funny to contrast that attitude with that of the couple who I saw, who fought for an hour over child support. Who, despite paying me to sit with them, would not let me get in a word edgewise. The law in NY on child support is not completely clear when there is joint custody, and here, the children are spending 50-50 time with each of their parents. But the things that make this parent so sure that she is entitled to child support, despite the 50-50 schedule and the fact that their incomes are just about equal (48%, 52%), is that the nanny is always at her house during the day. She has a point. Just about all the kids’ laundry is done there, they have playdates there, she lives in the school district of the kids’ school and dad does not, she has to keep groceries there for most of their meals (as well as feeding the nanny). The father agrees that she has some extra expenses (which he did not agree with at first but he has come around) and so should get some child support. However, she was asking for the same amount she would have if she had the old-fashioned kind of schedule where the dad sees the kids every other week-end and once a week for dinner. It seems to clear to me that that isn’t reasonable. Why do they want to keep fighting? Why does each initially adopt the most extreme position? His, she needs zero child support. Hers, she needs 100% of child support. And she had an affair, which was the triggering event of their separation, which always intensifies the situation. But nonetheless, she is still so engaged with him, so intensely focused on him, so much wants him to understand her and her thoughts/needs/views of the whole thing. And yet, I thought about my cousin, because where does all this fighting get them? I hope I can help them to resolve this. 

After sleeping on it, I’m thinking that a lot of whether people can start out from a ‘fair’ position, or whether they start negotiations with an ‘extreme’ position, has to do with trust. If you really feel that the person on the other side of the table is vengeful or out to hurt you, of course you have to take the most extreme position possible, to protect yourself. The funny/puzzling thing about this couple, is that she was the one who had the affair, and yet she is behaving as if he is out to hurt her. Of course that's puzzling to me, undoubtedly, because I don’t know all the circumstances. They know their own lives. If she feels he’s out to screw her (not in a good way), then he probably is or at least that’s her reality regarding him. 

The divorce process can be long and tiring. Many clients who have reached the end wonder, What’s next? Living alone post divorce (part of the week if you have kids) can be a challenge as you adjust. It can be a relief to no longer live with your ex, but it can also be a difficult transition. It’s normal to have mixed feelings especially if you initiated it. The divorce process sweeps you up and you focus on the goal, as you negotiate, and push through. When it is over, it can leave a void. So now what...? Enjoy being by yourself. Living alone is a chance to get to know yourself better. Reflect on who you are now by journaling. Explore other interests. Revisit something you loved in high school or college that fell by the wayside. Singing, playing an instrument, soccer, softball, social activism, gardening, bike riding or finally starting that sewing or carpentry project you’ve been meaning to do for years. It’s good to remember you don’t need anyone else to have fun. When you live alone and feel lonely or had a bad day at work, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or family member. When you get married it’s easy for friends to slip through the cracks. You have less time to catch up or call. Start a routine of calling your friends. As you adjust to post divorce, it can be hard to be alone with one’s thoughts, but if you take this opportunity to do some self exploration, you may find it one of the most rewarding times of your life. 

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often, looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not become the successes we are today. Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the least. I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life as a direct result of your divorce? If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from old programming and patterns. I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives - if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love. Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach (www.changecoachshelley.com) specializing in divorce issues. She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing with you: "Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness. It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce. Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will ultimately see the outer rewards." Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your garden will ultimately grow and flourish! Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life. How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance: 1) It's about you, not them. One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only...ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won't. We can't change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives. Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility. We can create changes that will make our lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it's about us, not them. 2) Get support. If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.If you are one of those people who think that you have to handle life's challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I'm concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life. 3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process. These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning. There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement. 4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact. You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there's your side, his side and then the truth. Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance. 5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life. Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn't existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives. About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley: http://www.changecoachshelley.com http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com Contact Shelley: shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com .* Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com . To order her new ebook, visit www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com

6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be. If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or 'what is'. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is...that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own. We all create a list of "should be's" that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn't have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don't live in that world. That's a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist. 7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage. Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven't addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times. Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself. 8) Release toxic emotions. Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage...these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it. Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well. 9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate. You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. It's just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given. 10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice. When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, it's just chatter.Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes. And your bonus tip: 11) Find the gifts of your divorce. Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness.It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards. About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley: http://www.changecoachshelley.com http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com Contact Shelley shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com . To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com .

One of the most painful issues that I see among divorcing couples is the tendency to self blame to a fault. Meaning, person one says something that might be innocent or might even be a fact and person two hears it as searing criticism. For example, “I am a teacher, so I can be with our child at 3pm. On your nights he is not with you until 6pm.” This is a factual statement. The 6pm parent practically burst into tears, hearing it as an accusation of not being a dedicated, caring parent. I guess we're all hypersensitive when it comes to comments from our spouses and even more so, when the relationship has deteriorated to the point of breaking up. I always feel speechless at these moments. My goal, during mediation, is to bring that dynamic to their attention. “So, it sounded to me as if you felt like M was saying that you are a less involved parent.” “Yes, he/she was saying that.” will reply the upset parent. “M, were you trying to say that?” Usually M will respond with, ‘Absolutely not. I know that you are a completely committed and involved parent. In fact a great parent to our child.’ How painful to be in a relationship where you are so often wounded by the other, whether or not the other has not been intending to wound you, which probably lead to the breakdown of the relationship. We are all happiest in relationships where we like ourselves, we like the person we feel that we are when with the other person. Self worth plays such a big part of this.

I just listened to the podcast, On Being, the guest was Alain de Botton, philosopher, writer & founder of The School of Life . His work is thought provoking and deeply moving. He turns our commonly understood assumptions about intimate relationships upside down and goes to the deeper truth of what we're trying to find in our search for love. He also looks into why people might stray when in committed relationships. Within his words we can find the door to healthy communication. At any point in our relationship, we can find a key to understanding and that's what mediation is all about. You can listen to the podcast here . And read his article in NY Times titled Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person .

I just watched the first episode of HBO's Divorce. They got so much right. The humanity, pain and flaws in us all. The irritation we feel with our spouse of many decades, about petty things. The random little aside that triggers a fight, which of course, is not random or little but part of an on going conflict you both constantly return to. Then there was the appeal of the affair. The glittering idea that there's somewhere you can go to get your former life back, before marriage and kids. Where you can focus just on you. Your pleasures, escapes, freedoms. Then how quickly that myth was shattered, when she told her lover she was leaving her husband. He replied with obvious consternation, “But you have kids.” Revealing he had no interest in being part of a future with her children. The way that the husband said, “Let me give you an orgasm, that will make everything okay.” Trying to think how to fix things and going straight to sex. Then I shuddered at the end of the show, when he said “I’m going to make sure your kids hate you.” Kids will never thank you for making them lose their connection to their other parent. Yet, parents (married, separated or divorced) say wrong things to their kids every day, because we're flawed humans. If you're in the pain of a recent separation, with all your nerve endings glowing, you can’t always see the big picture and be your best self.  A painful show but good so far. I'll watch the second episode.

In this review I'm focusing on the role of the divorce professionals portrayed (which were horrifying) and what we can learn from Noah Baumbach’s The Marriage Story. WARNING- spoiler alert. The Marriage Story portrays the end of a marriage and there's a lot we can learn. It showed the pitfalls of litigation and therefore, how mediation could have resolved conflicts and saved this family a great deal of money. Baumbach explored the failure of communication and misunderstanding with outstanding depth. The role of the mediator… First of all, the mediator was so ineffectual. I'd never start a mediation by saying "It’s going to get very dark and difficult and I want you to have a piece of light and happiness to remember, during those dark times in this awful and difficult process." No wonder Nicole, the wife, stormed out. People are nervous and sad, amongst other emotions, when they come to my office. I want to help them heal, breath, be reassured that they will have guidance and support so they can move forward. I want them to know we will help them figure out how to restructure their lives in a workable, fair and affordable way. We, as mediators, will stay with them till they come out the other side. Now for the attorneys…. I was stunned by how ineffective the divorce attorneys were at communication. Oblivious to their clients' feelings and pain, while their lives were in disarray and child’s welfare was up for grabs. Where did their marriage go wrong? This marriage ended because Nicole felt Charlie's voice was so strong that she couldn’t hear her own thoughts. She didn’t know what she wanted when she was around him. Is this her husband's fault? Is this her fault? Most likely a combination of both. Charlie bears some responsibility for failing to notice that Nicole didn’t contribute to their decision making. He was getting what he wanted and didn’t stop to think why. In a balanced relationship no one gets 100% of what they want. (Sorry to disappoint you, kids.) However, Nicole also has some responsibility for not communicating that she felt she didn’t have a voice in decisions. Somehow, the whole case gets whisked away to California… Maybe Nicole did want to move to California. However, it seemed at the beginning of the film that she was going to do one job and planned to come back to New York, where she was a successful actor. Her attorney said, "We have to file suit here. Let’s set you up, enroll your child in school and make this a California case." Nicole didn't say "Yes, that’s what I want." nor did she say, "Wait, that isn't what I want." It didn’t seem to be about Nicole, it was what the attorney advised. Yet again her voice wasn't heard. Her relationship to her attorney mimicked the failed relationship with her husband. The attorneys failed to ask important questions... I never heard anyone say: “This is what litigation looks like.” “This is what it might cost you.” “You have to decide, do you want to move to California and take Henry away from his father and live here permanently? If yes, here's what that would look like. If we win, Henry will live with you. He'll see his father summers and school breaks, but he won’t really grow up with his dad." “And there’s a good chance you could lose. Your life and work is in New York, Henry's in school there, he’s lived his whole life in New York. Charlie lives and works in New York and may well be able to prove more easily to a judge that the focus of your lives are in New York.” No one said these things to Charlie either. None of the California attorneys communicated to him his strong arguments for filing for a divorce in New York and seeking to have Henry back in there with him. Charlie's now relegated to a life where he'll spend hours each month on planes, with his work suffering, not to mention the cost, in order to be a part-time dad. So whose fault is it? Nicole seems to have no more of a voice in her divorce than she had in her marriage but neither did Charlie. To top it off, the lawyers probably each earned $100,000 in fees. Near the end of the film, Nicole and Charlie sit down together for the first time, to try to discuss and resolve the divorce. As a mediator I was thinking great. What took them so long? They discuss the costs of litigation. Nicole’s mother is taking out a home equity loan to pay her lawyer. Charlie's also broke. The litigation will hurt Henry’s college fund. They discuss the unpleasant invasiveness of the pending child custody evaluation. Nicole says, “Can we try to discuss this and resolve it ourselves?” However, they're unable to do so without a mediator to help them focus on the main topics such as, where they want to live long-term, what's best for Henry and their respective careers? Of course they're unable to stick to these important topics. They can’t resist accusations and blame, each wanting to feel more like a victim than a perpetrator. The conversation devolves into hitting below the belt, as one can only do with someone they've been this close with. There are no winners here. Had they tried to have these important conversations with an effective mediator they could have been guided through that fight, avoid the viciousness. A mediator could have helped them express their hurts and fears, while focusing on the things that needed to be resolved in order to settle the case in a way that was fair to both of them and to Henry.