Mediation v. Litigation

Here's an excellent article, which I was quoted in: Love And Money: Experts Weigh In On How Women Can Protect Their Assets In The Event Of Divorce. https://madamenoire.com/1212291/how-to-protect-assets-from-divorce If you recently turned into Wendy Williams: The Movie and the follow-up documentary, Wendy Williams: What A Mess , you likely saw two stories unfold: One that told the tale of a self-made woman who had her heart broken by her husband of twenty-plus years and the other of a woman who found the strength to kick him to the curb and protect her assets to the best of her ability . It’s bad enough that Kevin Hunter cheated on her for years and eventually produced a child with his long-time mistress, but the thought of him riding off into the sunset with his girlfriend in the wake of the divorce settlement and living happily ever after off of Williams’s dime is even more unsettling. Thankfully, Williams eventually smartened up and gathered a legal team who helped her to retain most of her assets in the divorce. Sure, Hunter left the marriage with his luxury vehicle collection, some money from the home that they owned together in Livingston, New Jersey, and a handsome severance package from Wendy Williams Productions, but things could have been much worse. Williams exited the marriage without having to pay alimony, Hunter’s legal fees, with sole ownership of Wendy Williams Productions, and all of the money from their joint bank account. While her highly favorable divorce settlement can definitely be attributed to her talented and well-paid legal team, it is also the result of some smart money moves that were taken prior to the breakdown of the couple’s marriage. With all of this talk of divorce and asset protection, you may be wondering how you can safeguard your own coins in the event of a divorce. With that in mind, we spoke to a couple of experts to help you get started. The most important step is to have knowledge about what the assets are, Rachel Green, attorney-mediator at ReSolutions Mediation & Collaborative Services tells MadameNoire. “Keep your own copies of tax returns. Have ‘financial dates’ with your spouse where you ask questions and have a list of assets.” Keep anything you inherit in your name “If you inherit something, keep it in your own name,” Green advises. “I had a client who bought a house and put down two million dollars that she had inherited, but put the house in joint name with her husband. When they divorced, the judge said, ‘You lived there together for 10 years. It’s in your joint names, it’s joint property.’ Had she put it just in her name, she would have at least gotten her two million dollars back.” Keep your eye on your credit reports “Make sure you check your credit report,” Green says. “They’re free once per year, and exchange them with your spouse. Make sure that there are no debts being run up that you don’t know about.” Stay woke “In my experience, by the time a woman is facing a divorce, it’s too late,” Cheryl Dillon, divorce coach and co-founder of Equitable Mediation Services tells MadameNoire. “In many of the cases I’ve seen, the wife has relied on her husband to manage the household finances — whether that’s paying the bills, saving for retirement, or managing a household budget. More often than not, the women I’ve worked with don’t have any interest in being involved. So the best way a woman can protect her assets in the event of a divorce is to be involved in the household finances from the start. She should pay the bills, sit with her spouse and talk about retirement planning, ask to review quarterly financial statements so she has an understanding of the assets she/they have in savings and for retirement. And she should be an active participant in preparing their taxes. This way she’ll have a good understanding of the comings and goings of her financial matters so if she does find herself facing divorce, she’ll have an excellent idea of what she/the couple owns and owes, and can make smart decisions at that time regarding her financial future.”

The divorce process can be long and tiring. Many clients who have reached the end wonder, What’s next? Living alone post divorce (part of the week if you have kids) can be a challenge as you adjust. It can be a relief to no longer live with your ex, but it can also be a difficult transition. It’s normal to have mixed feelings especially if you initiated it. The divorce process sweeps you up and you focus on the goal, as you negotiate, and push through. When it is over, it can leave a void. So now what...? Enjoy being by yourself. Living alone is a chance to get to know yourself better. Reflect on who you are now by journaling. Explore other interests. Revisit something you loved in high school or college that fell by the wayside. Singing, playing an instrument, soccer, softball, social activism, gardening, bike riding or finally starting that sewing or carpentry project you’ve been meaning to do for years. It’s good to remember you don’t need anyone else to have fun. When you live alone and feel lonely or had a bad day at work, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or family member. When you get married it’s easy for friends to slip through the cracks. You have less time to catch up or call. Start a routine of calling your friends. As you adjust to post divorce, it can be hard to be alone with one’s thoughts, but if you take this opportunity to do some self exploration, you may find it one of the most rewarding times of your life. 

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often, looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not become the successes we are today. Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the least. I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life as a direct result of your divorce? If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from old programming and patterns. I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives - if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love. Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach (www.changecoachshelley.com) specializing in divorce issues. She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing with you: "Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness. It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce. Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will ultimately see the outer rewards." Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your garden will ultimately grow and flourish! Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life. How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance: 1) It's about you, not them. One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only...ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won't. We can't change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives. Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility. We can create changes that will make our lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it's about us, not them. 2) Get support. If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.If you are one of those people who think that you have to handle life's challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I'm concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life. 3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process. These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning. There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement. 4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact. You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there's your side, his side and then the truth. Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance. 5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life. Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn't existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives. About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley: http://www.changecoachshelley.com http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com Contact Shelley: shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com .* Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com . To order her new ebook, visit www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com

6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be. If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or 'what is'. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is...that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own. We all create a list of "should be's" that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn't have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don't live in that world. That's a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist. 7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage. Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven't addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times. Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself. 8) Release toxic emotions. Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage...these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it. Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well. 9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate. You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. It's just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given. 10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice. When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, it's just chatter.Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes. And your bonus tip: 11) Find the gifts of your divorce. Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness.It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards. About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley: http://www.changecoachshelley.com http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com Contact Shelley shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com . To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com .

It's a challenge in many relationships, to communicate your needs in ways that doesn’t come across as slamming your partner. I see men who feel decimated by the woman’s criticism. When I think the woman is saying, “I need this and I would like to tell you about my needs, so that we can figure out a way for you to meet them and I will be happy and you will be happy.” Sometimes the man doesn't hear it that way. Callie and Brandon, unmarried parents, were so united talking about their child, that it seemed it would be the easiest mediation, why did they even need me? Then we started talking about money. I could see Callie feeling Brandon was ungenerous and Brandon felt stretched and unable to pay anything towards support, food, diapers, childcare. In discussion, they were unable to create an environment to work together, contribute to their home and child. As soon as she spoke, he shut down, practically rolled his eyes saying, “here we go again, whatever I do is unnoticed, unacknowledged, she's only focused on what she wants.” He couldn't hear what she was saying. Being engrossed with one’s own actions and point of view is normal and human. However, in a couple, how can each partner bring acknowledgement of the other’s actions? In mediation, we really are in this together, because we won’t have a solution unless it works for both people.

The starting point for divorce negotiations is to divide debt 50/50. This doesn't include debt racked up because of an addiction, gambling disorder or fancy dinners with a paramour. So, the presumption that debt is joint can be questioned, depending on what the debt arose from. Lost a week’s pay gambling? That's yours. Dental bills and groceries? You’re sharing. Generally, mortgages stay with the house. A spouse gets the house, they also get the mortgage. If the couple sells the house, most often they pay off the mortgage, then split the remaining proceeds of the sale equally. Responsibility for debt: Technically, credit cards are held by one person. Even if you're a cardholder on the account, the bills are only in your name and you're the one the credit card company will go after. However, if you're getting divorced, then the courts have the authority to distribute the responsibility as they see fit. To protect yourself, you and your partner can enter into a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement to clarify the debt in your name is yours and their name is theirs. You can say in a prenup that you'll divide debt accrued during the marriage proportionally based on your incomes. If one partner earned $100k and the other earned $50k, the debt would be divided 2/3 – 1/3. The number one thing I recommend, is to know what’s going on in your household. Look at the monthly statement, circle everything you expect your partner or ex partner to chip in for and send it to them. If credit card debt starts accruing, it’s hard to get out from under it, because the interest they charge is so high. You might have a chance to change it, restructure it – move it to 0% interest offers to keep interest charges from piling up. Find a debt restructuring company, which will negotiate with your creditors, lower the balance owed and put you on a payment plan. If you have retirement assets, maybe you can take a loan against them to pay off credit card debt. Those loans are great, you pay interest to yourself. You can nip it in the bud but only if you know about it. Some of the worst debt divorce stories I've seen were where one partner accumulated debt that the other didn't know about. Nothing like thinking, “great we’re selling our house for $1,300,000,” only to discover your share will be $200,000 because you only learned about the debt at closing. You can also protect yourself with a postnuptial agreement. I worked with a couple whose only area of conflict was money and they were debating whether to stay married. We negotiated the terms of a postnuptial agreement in which they agreed that any debt would belong to the person whose name was on the debt and would belong solely to that spouse. Even if you’re already married, you can negotiate who will own what. Just be sure to put it in writing 

The courts have some test programs running where they refer cases to mediation. Parties are screened for some known red flags but pretty much if your case is sent to mediation, you have to attend, well first session at least.* Some of these cases are rough! We have to undo 2-3 years of damage in their ability to trust each other, eroded from the litigation process, before we can even begin to have productive discussions about moving forward. That damage crops up again and again and has to be scraped away each time. These couples aren't necessarily high conflict by personality, psychology or history, it’s the damage that's been done by being in litigation and all the time operating out of defensiveness and fear, with their normal communication blocked, sometimes at their lawyers’ instruction. *The mediators donate 90 minutes of time, free, and then, if the parties so choose, they can continue at the mediator’s hourly rate.

Many people don’t know that about 98% of contested divorce and family court cases never appear before a judge in a trial and are settled by their attorneys out of court. The parties may meet the judge in a hearing or settlement conference (where you go into the judge’s chambers and get scolded for not reaching an agreement), but the judge will rarely, if ever, make decisions at time. For the most part, judges hate making decisions for families. Even though it's their job to do so, they can't give up hope that parents will find their higher selves and work out their issues around parenting. Most people prefer to make decisions for their kids rather than have a stranger in black robes tell them how to parent. After all, it doesn't matter to the judge if you want your kid to study ballet, play soccer, take piano, French or tennis lessons, but it probably matters quite a lot to you. Even around finances, which are thought to involve less emotion (though I question that) judges will want to defer to a divorce financial analyst or financial expert. The reality is that our court system is so backed up and slow to come to decisions, that attorneys at some point get real with each other and say 'look, you know what you're asking is not reasonable,’ and a compromise begins. As a trained mediator and collaborative attorney, I can be the first step, so your settlement negotiations involve focusing on your underlying interests and finding solutions that work for both of you and your kids.