To my mind, the costs of litigation and of fighting are so high, that I really can’t imagine deciding that I would rather fight than settle.  But I guess it mainly depends on how the conflict is framed, whether you feel that there is an important principle at stake.


If you’re going to fight about something having to do with the children, they will know that you are fighting in court, and they will know that one parent thinks the other is screwing them over (or both parents think the other is screwing them over) and they will feel pulled-apart and tormented and guilty, over being the subject of the parents’ conflict.


If a couple has true joint custody – 50/50 time division with the children – NY State still requires some payment of child support.

There are several options:

  • put in payments back and forth to each other. i.e. dad pays mom $100 on the 1st of the month and mom pays dad $100 on the 15th of the month
  • net out child support payments, based on incomes, if dad would have to pay $1,000 per month child support to mom, under the statute, and mom would have to pay $800 per month to dad, then dad pays $200 per month to mom
  • analyze incomes and expenses and allocate the shortfall equally
  • put in child support to agreement and divorce papers and enter into a “side agreement,” signed 1 day after, where the recipient parent agrees not to enforce the order for child support. This one is risky because it’s really an end run around the courts, and it’s hard to know whether it would be enforceable.


For someone who is very economically comfortable, but feels that there is a principle at stake, “if we both have the children 50% of the time, why should I pay child support?”  is it really worth fighting about in court? You will end up, very quickly, spending amounts on attorney fees that are similar to what you would spend by just paying child support. In general the courts are not too sympathetic to parents who don’t want to pay child support. Even in a 50/50 time sharing case.


There is, I think, an unconscious fantasy that you will teach the other person a lesson. That he/she will finally understand how hurt you were, or how wrong he/she is, when you show that you are willing to stake more money than is in controversy, to prove him/her wrong and you right.


I don’t think anyone comes out of a divorce court feeling, “Wow, now I really get it, I was so wrong.”  In fact, I don’t think anyone comes out of court feeling, “Wow that was so satisfying, that judge totally understood me.”


Then there is this article (from the website of Geneen Roth, Vol. 6, Issue 6):

I recalled something [my ex] said during a fight we had in a spectacular restaurant. “Why not think of all the times we’ve celebrated and all the times we have yet to celebrate as a bank account from which we can draw funds?” he asked. “Let’s put aside this fight, take some celebration savings out now, and replenish the fund when we get home.”



I remember looking from him to the mushroom tart on my plate, thinking, I could let this horrible fight go. I could enjoy this tart, and we could have a wonderful time. Then I thought, but if I let it go, I will be a wimp. He doesn’t deserve to have a good time after what he’s done. If I let go, he will win. I didn’t bother to ask myself what I would lose by holding on to my anger. I only figured that if he didn’t love me, the least he could do was suffer. So I said, Forget it. It’s a terrible idea and ruined the evening for both of us.


How Conflict Mediation Works for Brooklyn Families: A Step-by-Step Guide

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October 14, 2026
Not sure if you need a collaborative divorce attorney or a mediator in Brooklyn, NY? Call (718) 965-9236 today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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October 14, 2026
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October 14, 2026
Thinking about mediation vs. litigation in Brooklyn? Our dispute mediation service guides families to calm solutions. Call (718) 965-9236 for a free consult.
By Rachel Green • July 21, 2026
The New York Times had a wonderful article on July 16, 2026, by Jancee Dunn, about how to fight with your partner. It seems to me that as a society, we have to face the fact that conflict is normal and inevitable in any intimate relationship. No two people are going to agree on every aspect of their lives and when you're sharing your life with someone, you're going to come face to face with aspects about which you are not in agreement. We don't see healthy exploration of conflict in movies and TV shows, unless it's a show specifically about family conflict. But it's never portrayed as a normal, everyday part of long term relationships, which it is. " Clashes are normal in relationships. How you handle those fights is key." The tools outlined are: Take a break when either of you get overwhelmed, including having a "code word," to signal that one of you is overwhelmed to a point where you can no longer speak/think rationally, and you need to stop and return to the conversation in - an hour? - a day? when you are calmer. No matter what, with this person who's your life partner, you don't let the conversation fall to the lowest level. No saying 'f-- you' - no cursing, no name calling and no yelling. You want to resolve this, not communicate to your partner that you no longer care about them. If you're going to share your life, you care about them even when they do what you know is totally the wrong thing. Body Language: It helps to fight during a walk outside or while you're lying down next to each other and not looking at each other. Changing your physicality can change your attitude, and can help your partner not to feel put on the spot or confronted. The final tip was not to expect your partner to be a mind feeder. If you're angry it's a sign that your needs have not been met so it's up to you to figure out what need you have that was not met. It's not your partner's job.
By Rachel Green • July 6, 2026
I want my clients to feel informed, even when the information might not support them in getting the results they think that they want. Research has shown that children who have strong relationships with both parents, do best in life. These studies show that as long as children spend at least 1/3 of their time with each parent, they feel they have 2 parents, even though separated. However, if their basic schedule gives them less than 1/3 of the time (approx 10 nights a month) they feel like they have 1 parent who takes care of them - feeds them nutritious food, makes sure they do their homework and get to bed on time etc, and 1 parent who is uncle daddy or aunty mama. Some call them, the fun parent. The common argument between the work parent and the fun parent is... "You never have to rush around making lunches, check they did their homework, get them out the door in time for school / the bus. You waltz in here, pick them up, take them to softball on Saturday and go out to lunch. What a nice life. You get them rested and happy on the weekend. I get them for all of the hectic, pressured time." But the work parent, will also get all of the kudos for their kids' accomplishments. The work parent will have the closeness of knowing the children really well as they grow up - witnessing their struggles and dreams. Divorce gives parents the opportunity to step up. To have the kids without the other parent around, so then can really be a parent who really helps raise their children.
By Rachel Green • May 18, 2026
I’m watching AppleTV's new show, Margo's Got Money Troubles. I was excited when a custody dispute arose and the couple were referred to mediation. Immediately I thought, fantastic, an opportunity to show the world how mediation can work. The mediator started by asking, tell me what are your goals for the process? Mark, why don't you start? I often open mediations with the same question and people respond with their long-term hopes… - We want our child to feel loved, safe, secure, even though her parents are in 2 homes. - I hope we can have a cordial relationship. My parents divorced and fought constantly. It was awful. I don't want our baby to have to live with that level of conflict. - I was hurt and angry, I felt blind-sided when we broke up. Now, 2 years have passed, I want to figure out how to forgive my ex and develop a business like, co-parenting relationship. - We get along. I don't want the divorce process to pit us against each other, as litigation would. Instead, Mark stated, (probably quoting legal papers), I want sole custody of the child. Then began yelling legal arguments. Margo yelled her legal arguments back and the whole thing fell apart. The mediator lost control of the process, and they got nothing from it. Worse - the mediator didn’t give Margo a chance to share her thoughts. In my office, I would have immediately interrupted Mark and said, yes, we will get to that further down the road, but the immediate question is what do you want out of mediation? I don't want to hear your legal arguments. I'm not a judge. I want to have a conversation on a human level. To be more specific, do you have a vision for the relationship you want with your child as he grows up? How you, as co-parents, want to interact with each other in front of him? (And - assuming he answered the question,) Margo, thanks for sitting quietly and listening while Mark had his turn. Now it's your turn. What would be your ideal result of mediation?
Lawyer deciding on custody of children.
May 13, 2026
Looking for a collaborative divorce attorney in Brooklyn, NY? Contact Resolutions Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Services today for expert support.
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March 18, 2026
Need family mediation services in Brooklyn, NY? Resolutions Mediation & Collaborative Divorce Services can help. Call (718) 965-9236 today.
By Rachel Green • March 16, 2026
You and your spouse come to mediation together, whether it be in person or on Zoom. We go through a detailed checklist, to make sure we address everything, with the focus of you having a complete legal Settlement Agreement at the end. If you both want, we can also draft your Settlement Agreement. This puts everything discussed into a binding legal contract, that will be filed with the Court along with your divorce papers. Some people choose to work with an advisory attorney and prefer that their attorneys draft the agreement. If so, then your mediator will write a summary of your agreement, called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU. In New York, the courts have a set of Uncontested Divorce Papers that have to be filled out and filed with the courts. We can create and file these papers for your both. 
By Rachel Green • March 13, 2026
The costs of an average mediated divorce range from approximately $4,000 to $10,000. It’s a big range but there are a lot of variables. Can you and your ex talk without a third person present? Some clients can only talk in the presence of a mediator These clients usually require more sessions Do you have young children? If yes, there are issues to be discussed and resolved, before you have a legal settlement. Do you have complex finances? A lot of assets or debt? A house? A business? Mediated divorce costs fall into 4 categories. 1. Mediation sessions – billed by the hour 2. Costs of drafting a settlement agreement 3. Preparation and filing of divorce papers 4. The court’s costs of filing for divorce
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