
I’m watching AppleTV's new show, Margo's Got Money Troubles. I was excited when a custody dispute arose and the couple were referred to mediation. Immediately I thought, fantastic, an opportunity to show the world how mediation can work.
The mediator started by asking, tell me what are your goals for the process? Mark, why don't you start?
I often open mediations with the same question and people respond with their long-term hopes…
- We want our child to feel loved, safe, secure, even though her parents are in 2 homes.
- I hope we can have a cordial relationship. My parents divorced and fought constantly. It was awful. I don't want our baby to have to live with that level
of conflict.
- I was hurt and angry, I felt blind-sided when we broke up. Now, 2 years have passed, I want to figure out how to forgive my ex and develop a business like, co-parenting relationship.
- We get along. I don't want the divorce process to pit us against each other, as litigation would.
Instead, Mark stated, (probably quoting legal papers), I want sole custody of the child. Then began yelling legal arguments. Margo yelled her legal arguments back and the whole thing fell apart.
The mediator lost control of the process, and they got nothing from it. Worse - the mediator didn’t give Margo a chance to share her thoughts.
In my office, I would have immediately interrupted Mark and said, yes, we will get to that further down the road, but the immediate question is what do you want out of mediation? I don't want to hear your legal arguments. I'm not a judge. I want to have a conversation on a human level.
To be more specific, do you have a vision for the relationship you want with your child as he grows up? How you, as co-parents, want to interact with each other in front of him?
(And - assuming he answered the question,) Margo, thanks for sitting quietly and listening while Mark had his turn. Now it's your turn. What would be your ideal result of mediation?








