I’m watching AppleTV's new show, Margo's Got Money Troubles. I was excited when a custody dispute arose and the couple were referred to mediation. Immediately I thought, fantastic, an opportunity to show the world how mediation can work. The mediator started by asking, tell me what are your goals for the process? Mark, why don't you start? I often open mediations with the same question and people respond with their long-term hopes… - We want our child to feel loved, safe, secure, even though her parents are in 2 homes. - I hope we can have a cordial relationship. My parents divorced and fought constantly. It was awful. I don't want our baby to have to live with that level of conflict. - I was hurt and angry, I felt blind-sided when we broke up. Now, 2 years have passed, I want to figure out how to forgive my ex and develop a business like, co-parenting relationship. - We get along. I don't want the divorce process to pit us against each other, as litigation would. Instead, Mark stated, (probably quoting legal papers), I want sole custody of the child. Then began yelling legal arguments. Margo yelled her legal arguments back and the whole thing fell apart. The mediator lost control of the process, and they got nothing from it. Worse - the mediator didn’t give Margo a chance to share her thoughts. In my office, I would have immediately interrupted Mark and said, yes, we will get to that further down the road, but the immediate question is what do you want out of mediation? I don't want to hear your legal arguments. I'm not a judge. I want to have a conversation on a human level. To be more specific, do you have a vision for the relationship you want with your child as he grows up? How you, as co-parents, want to interact with each other in front of him? (And - assuming he answered the question,) Margo, thanks for sitting quietly and listening while Mark had his turn. Now it's your turn. What would be your ideal result of mediation?

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You and your spouse come to mediation together, whether it be in person or on Zoom. We go through a detailed checklist, to make sure we address everything, with the focus of you having a complete legal Settlement Agreement at the end. If you both want, we can also draft your Settlement Agreement. This puts everything discussed into a binding legal contract, that will be filed with the Court along with your divorce papers. Some people choose to work with an advisory attorney and prefer that their attorneys draft the agreement. If so, then your mediator will write a summary of your agreement, called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU. In New York, the courts have a set of Uncontested Divorce Papers that have to be filled out and filed with the courts. We can create and file these papers for your both. 

The costs of an average mediated divorce range from approximately $4,000 to $10,000. It’s a big range but there are a lot of variables. Can you and your ex talk without a third person present? Some clients can only talk in the presence of a mediator These clients usually require more sessions Do you have young children? If yes, there are issues to be discussed and resolved, before you have a legal settlement. Do you have complex finances? A lot of assets or debt? A house? A business? Mediated divorce costs fall into 4 categories. 1. Mediation sessions – billed by the hour 2. Costs of drafting a settlement agreement 3. Preparation and filing of divorce papers 4. The court’s costs of filing for divorce

No one gets married to get divorced. People who come to my office are recovering from hurt and disappointment. The initiating partner was probably disappointed and hurt many times during the relationship. They may have been thinking about ending the marriage for a while but not acting on it. Some clients present as angry, but anger is a secondary emotion, which covers sadness, fear, shame, sorrow, hurt. Anger appears when someone isn’t getting their needs met. If we can identify what the needs are, the anger begins to dissipate. Although from a legal perspective, a case with a short marriage with no real estate and no children is a simple divorce. For the people going through it, there is no such thing as a simple divorce. For a while now I’ve worked with families in transition and there are cases that stay with me… The man who learned his wife of 6 years was infertile and hid it from him. He wanted children and talked about it frequently. His wife, as it turns out, didn’t. They recently separated and understandably, he’s devastated. The man who said, why would I want to have the kids at my house? It just gives her another night with her boyfriend. Conflicts about whether the relationship is open or not. The husband who learned his wife had a gambling disorder and lost $450,000. A couple dividing $47 million. The man who started an affair when his partner was 7 months pregnant. And of course, the many people who say, I know my kids need their other parent, we want to put them first. Shield them from the conflict, so they’ll be OK. Have compassion and take your time Divorce is a huge and scary transformation. My role is to listen, watch and remember to be sensitive. To not push a couple faster than they’re ready to go. I tell people that the timeline is theirs to create. We don’t want to rush to the wrong finish line. A friend and colleague of mine recently divorced, she told me how she needed a lot of time to digest the situation. It’s made her slow down and change the way she talks to clients. Now she understands in a new way. She understands the need to process, think, digest all the ideas being discussed, before being ready to make decisions.

What is Mediation to Stay Married? Mediation to Stay Married or Marital Mediation is conflict resolution for couples who are experiencing marital problems but want to stay married. Conflict resolution skills are taught by a trained mediator. They’re used to identify issues, brainstorm and create options for breaking impasses, while improving communication and the understanding of the issues behind the conflicts. Once the source of conflict is understood, then a concrete plan of action can be developed. What’s the Difference Between Marital Mediation and Marital Counseling? Marital Mediation doesn’t delve into the psychological issues of the couple or individuals. If either is in therapy, they’re encouraged to continue, as Marital Mediation can’t take the place of counseling obtained from a licensed mental health provider. However, the two modes do work well together. Why See a Family Attorney Mediator Instead of a Divorce Attorney? An attorney mediator understands what what led to divorce. Many times, couples say, - We don’t know how we got here? – Emotions, anger and miscommunication, can set couples on the path to chaos. Often people don’t know of another option and jump the gun by going straight to the idea of divorce. However, the grass isn’t always greener and some leave a good marriage, as they just didn’t have the right skills. Many marital problems can flow from financial disputes and insecurities. Attorney Mediators are in a good position to analyze finances, understand legal options and assist in finding concrete solutions. They may also suggest using an independent financial neutral to identify and implement financial guidelines. Does Mediation to Stay Married Result in a Written Agreement? It’s your choice. Some couples like a written Memorandum of Understanding so it’s there in black and white. Some feel the verbal understanding is enough and a written one would be too intrusive. There’s also the option of a full-blown agreement, like a prenuptial agreement, reviewed by separate attorneys for each spouse. What Types of Issues Can Be Dealt with in Mediation? Financial issues. Issues of contribution. Job loss. Bankruptcy. Inheritance. Infidelity. Problems with children. Communication patterns. Moods. Emotions. Intimacy. These and many more can be discussed and resolved with the right guidance and by learning the right skills.

Parenting Coordination is for parents who have difficulty implementing their parenting plans because of ongoing conflict. The goal of parenting coordination is to reduce conflict, avoid chronic litigation, while assisting parents in responsible planning and decision making with the focus on the wellbeing of their children. Some parents remain engaged in conflict even after separating. Divorce doesn’t solve all problems. Even though you both care deeply about your children and how to raise them, these conflicts can affect their wellbeing. In Parenting Coordination, you work with a trained specialist who can help shift perspectives, so both exes understand each other a little more. In the sessions we discuss and clarify what’s in the best interest of your children and how to implement these things. So, what’s the process? It starts with having brief separate meetings with the Parenting Coordinator, then we all meet together to work out how to resolve the conflicts in a timely manner. We promote safe, healthy and meaningful parent-child relationships. If needed and both parents want, we can also work on communication and co-parenting skills.

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