You and your spouse come to mediation together, whether it be in person or on Zoom. We go through a detailed checklist, to make sure we address everything, with the focus of you having a complete legal Settlement Agreement at the end. If you both want, we can also draft your Settlement Agreement. This puts everything discussed into a binding legal contract, that will be filed with the Court along with your divorce papers. Some people choose to work with an advisory attorney and prefer that their attorneys draft the agreement. If so, then your mediator will write a summary of your agreement, called a Memorandum of Understanding or MOU. In New York, the courts have a set of Uncontested Divorce Papers that have to be filled out and filed with the courts. We can create and file these papers for your both. 
The costs of an average mediated divorce range from approximately $4,000 to $10,000. It’s a big range but there are a lot of variables. Can you and your ex talk without a third person present? Some clients can only talk in the presence of a mediator These clients usually require more sessions Do you have young children? If yes, there are issues to be discussed and resolved, before you have a legal settlement. Do you have complex finances? A lot of assets or debt? A house? A business? Mediated divorce costs fall into 4 categories. 1. Mediation sessions – billed by the hour 2. Costs of drafting a settlement agreement 3. Preparation and filing of divorce papers 4. The court’s costs of filing for divorce
No one gets married to get divorced. People who come to my office are recovering from hurt and disappointment. The initiating partner was probably disappointed and hurt many times during the relationship. They may have been thinking about ending the marriage for a while but not acting on it. Some clients present as angry, but anger is a secondary emotion, which covers sadness, fear, shame, sorrow, hurt. Anger appears when someone isn’t getting their needs met. If we can identify what the needs are, the anger begins to dissipate. Although from a legal perspective, a case with a short marriage with no real estate and no children is a simple divorce. For the people going through it, there is no such thing as a simple divorce. For a while now I’ve worked with families in transition and there are cases that stay with me… The man who learned his wife of 6 years was infertile and hid it from him. He wanted children and talked about it frequently. His wife, as it turns out, didn’t. They recently separated and understandably, he’s devastated. The man who said, why would I want to have the kids at my house? It just gives her another night with her boyfriend. Conflicts about whether the relationship is open or not. The husband who learned his wife had a gambling disorder and lost $450,000. A couple dividing $47 million. The man who started an affair when his partner was 7 months pregnant. And of course, the many people who say, I know my kids need their other parent, we want to put them first. Shield them from the conflict, so they’ll be OK. Have compassion and take your time Divorce is a huge and scary transformation. My role is to listen, watch and remember to be sensitive. To not push a couple faster than they’re ready to go. I tell people that the timeline is theirs to create. We don’t want to rush to the wrong finish line. A friend and colleague of mine recently divorced, she told me how she needed a lot of time to digest the situation. It’s made her slow down and change the way she talks to clients. Now she understands in a new way. She understands the need to process, think, digest all the ideas being discussed, before being ready to make decisions.
What is Mediation to Stay Married? Mediation to Stay Married or Marital Mediation is conflict resolution for couples who are experiencing marital problems but want to stay married. Conflict resolution skills are taught by a trained mediator. They’re used to identify issues, brainstorm and create options for breaking impasses, while improving communication and the understanding of the issues behind the conflicts. Once the source of conflict is understood, then a concrete plan of action can be developed. What’s the Difference Between Marital Mediation and Marital Counseling? Marital Mediation doesn’t delve into the psychological issues of the couple or individuals. If either is in therapy, they’re encouraged to continue, as Marital Mediation can’t take the place of counseling obtained from a licensed mental health provider. However, the two modes do work well together. Why See a Family Attorney Mediator Instead of a Divorce Attorney? An attorney mediator understands what what led to divorce. Many times, couples say, - We don’t know how we got here? – Emotions, anger and miscommunication, can set couples on the path to chaos. Often people don’t know of another option and jump the gun by going straight to the idea of divorce. However, the grass isn’t always greener and some leave a good marriage, as they just didn’t have the right skills. Many marital problems can flow from financial disputes and insecurities. Attorney Mediators are in a good position to analyze finances, understand legal options and assist in finding concrete solutions. They may also suggest using an independent financial neutral to identify and implement financial guidelines. Does Mediation to Stay Married Result in a Written Agreement? It’s your choice. Some couples like a written Memorandum of Understanding so it’s there in black and white. Some feel the verbal understanding is enough and a written one would be too intrusive. There’s also the option of a full-blown agreement, like a prenuptial agreement, reviewed by separate attorneys for each spouse. What Types of Issues Can Be Dealt with in Mediation? Financial issues. Issues of contribution. Job loss. Bankruptcy. Inheritance. Infidelity. Problems with children. Communication patterns. Moods. Emotions. Intimacy. These and many more can be discussed and resolved with the right guidance and by learning the right skills.
Parenting Coordination is for parents who have difficulty implementing their parenting plans because of ongoing conflict. The goal of parenting coordination is to reduce conflict, avoid chronic litigation, while assisting parents in responsible planning and decision making with the focus on the wellbeing of their children. Some parents remain engaged in conflict even after separating. Divorce doesn’t solve all problems. Even though you both care deeply about your children and how to raise them, these conflicts can affect their wellbeing. In Parenting Coordination, you work with a trained specialist who can help shift perspectives, so both exes understand each other a little more. In the sessions we discuss and clarify what’s in the best interest of your children and how to implement these things. So, what’s the process? It starts with having brief separate meetings with the Parenting Coordinator, then we all meet together to work out how to resolve the conflicts in a timely manner. We promote safe, healthy and meaningful parent-child relationships. If needed and both parents want, we can also work on communication and co-parenting skills.
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Parenting mediation is an option for unmarried parents to work on their co-parenting relationship, while strengthening communication skills for discussing their child’s best interests. Some parents remain engaged in conflict even after separating. Moving out doesn’t solve all problems. If you’ve had a lot of conflict regarding your children, you may need the help of a neutral mediator who will make space for you to listen and hear each other. Even when living apart, you’re still parents who care deeply about how to raise your children. In parenting mediation, the goal is to find common ground. You both work with a trained mediator who can help shift your perspectives, understand your ex a little more and clarify what is truly in the best interest of your children. Including why it’s in the best interest for your children. It can be hard to discuss parenting issues and best done out of earshot of children. So, in parenting mediation you can freely discuss how to put things in place. We start by meeting together to have a safe, private way to resolve conflict in a timely manner. We promote safe, healthy and meaningful parent-child relationships. We can also work on your communication and co-parenting relationships, if you both want. Mediation is for those parents who have difficulty implementing their parenting plans because of the ongoing conflict between them. The goal of mediation is to understand each other a little better, help you negotiate resolutions that reach across the table and learn how to offer the other something they need, so you get something you need. We work to reduce conflict and chronic litigation while assisting parents in responsible planning and decision making to promote the well-being of their children. If there is some reason you each want to have separate sessions with the mediator, we can do that as well.
The answer is a personal one and depends where you're both at. Are you 100% sure you're headed for divorce or is there a chance of separating for a few months, a year, even 3 and then reconciling? Do you feel you wouldn't be able to date if you're still married? Is one of you on the other’s health insurance? There are three differences between signing a full separation agreement and living apart, according to its terms, and filing for a divorce. 1. Taxes: Filing taxes together as a married couple is usually cheaper than filing as married/separate. While you're still married you can file joint taxes. 2. Health Insurance: Another reason to stay legally married is for health insurance. A married couple, even if legally separated, can stay on each other’s plans, but once divorced you can’t. When considering whether or not to divorce, it's important to look at the health coverage plans you and your partner have and if there are any feasible alternatives if you separate. Children’s health insurance is not affected and they can stay on either parent’s plan after a divorce. 3. Emotional: The ending of a marriage is usually stressful and emotional. Many couples crave closure and once divorced, feel they are (or will be) better equipped to move on and begin to heal. Other couples don't find as much significance in this legal status. Some people feel that they can't date while still legally married, while I’ve had couples who are living with someone else or even expecting another child when their divorce comes through. Your situation is unique and you can consider these points as you consider your options.
Frequently divorce mediation is centered on the children. They’re often the victims of divorce and mediation helps to make a smooth transition for them. But children aren’t the only ones needing a smooth transition. Though you may be happy to be getting divorced overall, it’s also true that this is a person you once loved and planned to spend your life with. In reality, divorce is a difficult transition with or without kids. Though you may not have kids, you shared many other things during your marriage. I often see people wanting to divide custody for a pet or resolve who keeps the beloved couch. You shared your life and mediation makes the process of detangling your lives a little simpler. Often there are items that aren’t worth a lot of money, but have emotional value. My job is to make sure you both come out of the divorce feeling like you still have some of the things you care a lot about. The other component is the emotional. In mediation we talk through the steps to the divorce and help you come to terms with the life change about to occur. We consider various factors like what will happen when your ex finds a new partner? How will you feel about maintaining friendships with your mutual friends? I will help both of you visualize your lives without each other, so in the end you’re able to part ways as smoothly and painlessly as possible. Mediating a divorce can also help you better understand the reasons why you’re separating and find some closure. I’ve seen this time and time again. Once I mediated with a couple, let’s call them Adrian and Jill. Adrian used to be a heroin addict but at the time we met, he’d been sober for 20 years, while Jill struggled with an eating disorder. I guided them through a discussion about how these personal issues had affected their marriage and their decision to end it. Adrian felt he’d grown and improved a lot during the marriage, but that Jill wasn’t making the same efforts to overcome her issues. I helped them both understand each other's reasons for parting ways, which gave them closure, so they weren’t left wondering, why their relationship deteriorated.
On occasion, people come to my office and say they still love each other. When this occurs, I think maybe they’d prefer mediation to stay married, rather than divorce mediation. Divorce solves some problems, but not all. We’re complicated beings and marriage has benefits. When a couple comes in, I assume they've had problems and miseries that they’ve been tolerating and it's the miseries that drives them to divorce. But there are usually still some good parts in the relationship like, watching TV together, possibly a good sexual connection, division of household chores, maybe basic human connection – someone who asks about your day... At the same time, living with people is irritating. They put their dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher. Maybe you have different spending styles. Perhaps there's a sexual incompatibility. Mediation to get married is focused on pulling the good out and finding a creative way to change your experience of the bad. It’s behavior focused and specific. For example: There’s a signed, legally binding agreement that says things like, Spouse 1 will have no responsibility for Spouse 2’s debts in the event of divorce. Parameters are set regarding opening the sexual relationship, such as, we will use condoms all the time or no one that the couple both know or only Wednesday nights or no kissing the other person. Agreements can be written in a myriad of ways. If you and your spouse are ambivalent about getting divorced, perhaps a few mediation to stay married sessions could be beneficial. *Hourly rates for MMTSM are lower than divorce mediation. *Should you decide to divorce, your retainer agreement will convert to an agreement for divorce services.