ReSolutions Mediation & Collaborative Services | Brooklyn, NY
family, parenting, divorce mediation
Navigating change is difficult. Rachel Green & the re•solutions team can help increase clarity & improve communication for couples in conflict.
Had an irate e-mail from a former client, who is now in litigation with her husband and was feeling (retroactively) that I was not neutral, but was instead biased in favor of her husband.
They were in litigation before they came to seem me – and came in for 6 hours of mediation, to try to settle their differences – but ended up back in litigation.
One of the most painful issues that I see, among divorcing couples, is the tendency to self-blame, to a fault. Meaning – that 1 person says something that might be innocent – or might even be a fact – and the other person hears it as SEARING criticism.
For example – “I am a teacher, so I can be with our child at 3pm. On your nights he is not with you until 6pm.”
I usually begin mediation sessions by asking a couple why they are coming to mediation. This helps people to remember what kind of process and outcome they are hoping for – as well as lets me know how much they know about the process.
I met with a new couple last week, and when I asked them this question – I was blown away by their answers! In 5 minutes, they described the most idealistic mediation process, and highlighted (what I see as) the benefits of mediation. They said: Continue reading “Why Mediate?”
Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn’t feel angry there would probably be something very wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce, and was angry during this time. When that person tells the other that he or she has decided to leave the marriage, the other is in shock and has to deal with lots of emotions – sorrow, fear and certainly anger.
After sleeping on it – i’m thinking that a lot of whether people can start out from a ‘fair’ position, or whether they start negotiations with an ‘extreme’ position, has to do with trust. If you really feel that the person on the other side of the table is vengeful, or out to hurt you – of course you have to take the most extreme position possible, to protect yourself.
I saw my cousin over the week-end. Her brother is a drug addict. Total drug addict, the kind who steals things from his parents, never holds jobs, is in & out of jail. She said her parents told her that they are planning to leave their house, when they die, jointly to her and her brother. She said, “Figure this out now, because he will fight me to get the whole thing, and I will just walk away. I am not going to fight.”
Probably the most important piece – in order to mediate – is to have two people who want to come through the big picture OK. Neither is out to destroy the other.
I had a couple come into my office last week who I could tell HATED each other. He works really long hours, and she is furious and has felt completely abandoned by him for years.
What’s it all about, anyway?
I’ve always been a person whom people like to talk to. I guess I’m a good listener – and also I don’t pass judgment. I myself have done things I’m not proud of – had a relationship wither, and cheat rather than tell my boyfriend that I wanted to end it, for example – so if someone cheats on their spouse, well – yeah it’s not the most mature way to handle the end of your marriage but – hey – we’re all doing the best we can.
Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn’t feel angry there would probably be something very wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce, and was angry during this time. When that person tells the other that he or she has decided to leave the marriage, the other is in shock and has to deal with lots of emotions – sorrow, fear and certainly anger. Continue reading “Can I Mediate if I’m Angry?”