Navigating change is difficult. Rachel Green & the re•solutions team can help increase clarity & improve communication for couples in conflict.

Negotiation in the Shadow of Threat

I had a call yesterday from Josh, who is working with his wife in mediation, with another mediator. Josh called to ask me about being his reviewing attorney, and wanted to get my take on a couple of things.

Josh and his wife, Becka, were having conflicts over who would move out of their house. They had separated bedrooms months ago (Josh has been sleeping on the couch,) and have put a schedule in place for caring for their children, so that each took turns making dinner, being on homework duty – and having nights ‘off,’ just as they will do when they separate. But they are both still residing in the house.

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On the Same Side?

It is a challenge, in many relationships, to communicate your needs in a way that doesn’t come across as slamming your partner. I see men who feel decimated by the woman’s criticism – when I think the woman is trying to say, “I need this, and I would like to tell you about my needs, so that we can figure out a way for you to meet them, and I will be happy, and you will be happy.”

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are there winners & losers?

I had a depressing mediation session today.  A session like today’s makes me realize that mediation is an opportunity.  But everyone is not able to take that opportunity.

The center of this couple’s conflicts revolve around their children.

Most couples I see fight.  But when I mention their kids, I get smiles, and proud stories of how well the children are doing – or stories about concerns for the children, and how to shield them from parental conflict – Continue reading “are there winners & losers?”

Six Things Your Litigator Doesn’t Want You To Know

Six Things Your Lawyer Doesn’t Want You To Know

 OR – Why You Should Mediate Your Divorce

  1. Children
  • Your children will never thank you for destroying their other parent
  • Children always know the truth of their parents’ divorce.  They will focus on it, and listen carefully to everything they hear, and piece together the story.
  • The longer you are embroiled in conflict, the longer before your children can settle back into being normal kids – focusing on school, friends, music, soccer – and not on the conflict between the two people they love most in this world.

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The Draw of Conflict

To my mind, the costs of litigation and of fighting are so high – that I really can’t imagine deciding that I would rather fight than settle.  But I guess it mainly depends on how the conflict is framed – whether you feel that there is an important principle at stake.

If you’re going to fight about something having to do with the children, they will know that you are fighting in court, and they will know that one parent thinks the other is screwing them over (or both parents think the other is screwing them over) and they will feel pulled-apart and tormented and guilty, over being the subject of the parents’ conflict.

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Protecting Children From Conflict & Self-Blame

I was watching a movie the other night, (Future Weather) in which a 13-year-old girl came home from school and found a note from her mother saying, “I went to California. I left $50 in the drawer for you, for groceries.”

The girl lived in the house for a few days by herself, until her grandmother discovered her living alone, so she moved to her grandmother’s home.

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