The Pain of Divorce

What is Mediation to Stay Married? Mediation to Stay Married or Marital Mediation is conflict resolution for couples who are experiencing marital problems but want to stay married. Conflict resolution skills are taught by a trained mediator. They’re used to identify issues, brainstorm and create options for breaking impasses, while improving communication and the understanding of the issues behind the conflicts. Once the source of conflict is understood, then a concrete plan of action can be developed. What’s the Difference Between Marital Mediation and Marital Counseling? Marital Mediation doesn’t delve into the psychological issues of the couple or individuals. If either is in therapy, they’re encouraged to continue, as Marital Mediation can’t take the place of counseling obtained from a licensed mental health provider. However, the two modes do work well together. Why See a Family Attorney Mediator Instead of a Divorce Attorney? An attorney mediator understands what what led to divorce. Many times, couples say, - We don’t know how we got here? – Emotions, anger and miscommunication, can set couples on the path to chaos. Often people don’t know of another option and jump the gun by going straight to the idea of divorce. However, the grass isn’t always greener and some leave a good marriage, as they just didn’t have the right skills. Many marital problems can flow from financial disputes and insecurities. Attorney Mediators are in a good position to analyze finances, understand legal options and assist in finding concrete solutions. They may also suggest using an independent financial neutral to identify and implement financial guidelines. Does Mediation to Stay Married Result in a Written Agreement? It’s your choice. Some couples like a written Memorandum of Understanding so it’s there in black and white. Some feel the verbal understanding is enough and a written one would be too intrusive. There’s also the option of a full-blown agreement, like a prenuptial agreement, reviewed by separate attorneys for each spouse. What Types of Issues Can Be Dealt with in Mediation? Financial issues. Issues of contribution. Job loss. Bankruptcy. Inheritance. Infidelity. Problems with children. Communication patterns. Moods. Emotions. Intimacy. These and many more can be discussed and resolved with the right guidance and by learning the right skills.

Parenting Coordination is for parents who have difficulty implementing their parenting plans because of ongoing conflict. The goal of parenting coordination is to reduce conflict, avoid chronic litigation, while assisting parents in responsible planning and decision making with the focus on the wellbeing of their children. Some parents remain engaged in conflict even after separating. Divorce doesn’t solve all problems. Even though you both care deeply about your children and how to raise them, these conflicts can affect their wellbeing.  In Parenting Coordination, you work with a trained specialist who can help shift perspectives, so both exes understand each other a little more. In the sessions we discuss and clarify what’s in the best interest of your children and how to implement these things. So, what’s the process? It starts with having brief separate meetings with the Parenting Coordinator, then we all meet together to work out how to resolve the conflicts in a timely manner. We promote safe, healthy and meaningful parent-child relationships. If needed and both parents want, we can also work on communication and co-parenting skills.

Discover the role of a collaborative divorce attorney in Brooklyn, NY. Click here for insights from Resolutions Mediation & Collaborative Divorce Services.

Parenting mediation is an option for unmarried parents to work on their co-parenting relationship, while strengthening communication skills for discussing their child’s best interests. Some parents remain engaged in conflict even after separating. Moving out doesn’t solve all problems. If you’ve had a lot of conflict regarding your children, you may need the help of a neutral mediator who will make space for you to listen and hear each other. Even when living apart, you’re still parents who care deeply about how to raise your children. In parenting mediation, the goal is to find common ground. You both work with a trained mediator who can help shift your perspectives, understand your ex a little more and clarify what is truly in the best interest of your children. Including why it’s in the best interest for your children. It can be hard to discuss parenting issues and best done out of earshot of children. So, in parenting mediation you can freely discuss how to put things in place. We start by meeting together to have a safe, private way to resolve conflict in a timely manner. We promote safe, healthy and meaningful parent-child relationships. We can also work on your communication and co-parenting relationships, if you both want. Mediation is for those parents who have difficulty implementing their parenting plans because of the ongoing conflict between them. The goal of mediation is to understand each other a little better, help you negotiate resolutions that reach across the table and learn how to offer the other something they need, so you get something you need. We work to reduce conflict and chronic litigation while assisting parents in responsible planning and decision making to promote the well-being of their children. If there is some reason you each want to have separate sessions with the mediator, we can do that as well.

The answer is a personal one and depends where you're both at. Are you 100% sure you're headed for divorce or is there a chance of separating for a few months, a year, even 3 and then reconciling? Do you feel you wouldn't be able to date if you're still married? Is one of you on the other’s health insurance? There are three differences between signing a full separation agreement and living apart, according to its terms, and filing for a divorce. 1. Taxes: Filing taxes together as a married couple is usually cheaper than filing as married/separate. While you're still married you can file joint taxes. 2. Health Insurance: Another reason to stay legally married is for health insurance. A married couple, even if legally separated, can stay on each other’s plans, but once divorced you can’t. When considering whether or not to divorce, it's important to look at the health coverage plans you and your partner have and if there are any feasible alternatives if you separate. Children’s health insurance is not affected and they can stay on either parent’s plan after a divorce. 3. Emotional: The ending of a marriage is usually stressful and emotional. Many couples crave closure and once divorced, feel they are (or will be) better equipped to move on and begin to heal. Other couples don't find as much significance in this legal status. Some people feel that they can't date while still legally married, while I’ve had couples who are living with someone else or even expecting another child when their divorce comes through. Your situation is unique and you can consider these points as you consider your options.

Frequently divorce mediation is centered on the children. They’re often the victims of divorce and mediation helps to make a smooth transition for them. But children aren’t the only ones needing a smooth transition. Though you may be happy to be getting divorced overall, it’s also true that this is a person you once loved and planned to spend your life with. In reality, divorce is a difficult transition with or without kids. Though you may not have kids, you shared many other things during your marriage. I often see people wanting to divide custody for a pet or resolve who keeps the beloved couch. You shared your life and mediation makes the process of detangling your lives a little simpler. Often there are items that aren’t worth a lot of money, but have emotional value. My job is to make sure you both come out of the divorce feeling like you still have some of the things you care a lot about. The other component is the emotional. In mediation we talk through the steps to the divorce and help you come to terms with the life change about to occur. We consider various factors like what will happen when your ex finds a new partner? How will you feel about maintaining friendships with your mutual friends? I will help both of you visualize your lives without each other, so in the end you’re able to part ways as smoothly and painlessly as possible. Mediating a divorce can also help you better understand the reasons why you’re separating and find some closure. I’ve seen this time and time again. Once I mediated with a couple, let’s call them Adrian and Jill. Adrian used to be a heroin addict but at the time we met, he’d been sober for 20 years, while Jill struggled with an eating disorder. I guided them through a discussion about how these personal issues had affected their marriage and their decision to end it. Adrian felt he’d grown and improved a lot during the marriage, but that Jill wasn’t making the same efforts to overcome her issues. I helped them both understand each other's reasons for parting ways, which gave them closure, so they weren’t left wondering, why their relationship deteriorated.

On occasion, people come to my office and say they still love each other. When this occurs, I think maybe they’d prefer mediation to stay married, rather than divorce mediation. Divorce solves some problems, but not all. We’re complicated beings and marriage has benefits. When a couple comes in, I assume they've had problems and miseries that they’ve been tolerating and it's the miseries that drives them to divorce. But there are usually still some good parts in the relationship like, watching TV together, possibly a good sexual connection, division of household chores, maybe basic human connection – someone who asks about your day... At the same time, living with people is irritating. They put their dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher. Maybe you have different spending styles. Perhaps there's a sexual incompatibility. Mediation to get married is focused on pulling the good out and finding a creative way to change your experience of the bad. It’s behavior focused and specific. For example: There’s a signed, legally binding agreement that says things like, Spouse 1 will have no responsibility for Spouse 2’s debts in the event of divorce. Parameters are set regarding opening the sexual relationship, such as, we will use condoms all the time or no one that the couple both know or only Wednesday nights or no kissing the other person. Agreements can be written in a myriad of ways. If you and your spouse are ambivalent about getting divorced, perhaps a few mediation to stay married sessions could be beneficial. *Hourly rates for MMTSM are lower than divorce mediation. *Should you decide to divorce, your retainer agreement will convert to an agreement for divorce services.

People often ask, do I need a review attorney once mediation is complete? You’re an attorney, aren’t you sufficient? For many, the discussions they had during mediation and the legal information communicated is all they need. They understand the agreement and why they made the decisions they made. Most people come to mediation to avoid the adversarial system completely. To hire a review attorney is a personal choice. An agreement signed by two consenting adults is very hard to get out of, whether an attorney reviews it or not. But for those, while in the fog of divorce, who want an additional set of eyes to look things over or for those having trouble parsing the legalese or those who have questions, they don’t want to share with their STBX, a review attorney maybe the way. The recommended process is, you meet with a reviewing attorney who looks at the situation just from your perspective. They read the agreement and make sure you understand your legal rights and where you are varying from the plain vanilla application of the law. I met with a client who didn’t realize he might be entitled to a portion of the family home, as it was in the other spouse’s name. However, there were legal arguments which could be made and now he’s having further discussions with his STBX. If you meet with an attorney, further down the road you won’t be able to say, I didn’t understand what I was signing and request a hearing to determine whether you had sufficient capacity to understand and sign an agreement. So, if you choose to use a review attorney, you close the door to that possibility. Which can help you both sleep better at night. * STBX = soon to be ex

Here's an excellent article, which I was quoted in: Love And Money: Experts Weigh In On How Women Can Protect Their Assets In The Event Of Divorce. https://madamenoire.com/1212291/how-to-protect-assets-from-divorce If you recently turned into Wendy Williams: The Movie and the follow-up documentary, Wendy Williams: What A Mess , you likely saw two stories unfold: One that told the tale of a self-made woman who had her heart broken by her husband of twenty-plus years and the other of a woman who found the strength to kick him to the curb and protect her assets to the best of her ability . It’s bad enough that Kevin Hunter cheated on her for years and eventually produced a child with his long-time mistress, but the thought of him riding off into the sunset with his girlfriend in the wake of the divorce settlement and living happily ever after off of Williams’s dime is even more unsettling. Thankfully, Williams eventually smartened up and gathered a legal team who helped her to retain most of her assets in the divorce. Sure, Hunter left the marriage with his luxury vehicle collection, some money from the home that they owned together in Livingston, New Jersey, and a handsome severance package from Wendy Williams Productions, but things could have been much worse. Williams exited the marriage without having to pay alimony, Hunter’s legal fees, with sole ownership of Wendy Williams Productions, and all of the money from their joint bank account. While her highly favorable divorce settlement can definitely be attributed to her talented and well-paid legal team, it is also the result of some smart money moves that were taken prior to the breakdown of the couple’s marriage. With all of this talk of divorce and asset protection, you may be wondering how you can safeguard your own coins in the event of a divorce. With that in mind, we spoke to a couple of experts to help you get started. The most important step is to have knowledge about what the assets are, Rachel Green, attorney-mediator at ReSolutions Mediation & Collaborative Services tells MadameNoire. “Keep your own copies of tax returns. Have ‘financial dates’ with your spouse where you ask questions and have a list of assets.” Keep anything you inherit in your name “If you inherit something, keep it in your own name,” Green advises. “I had a client who bought a house and put down two million dollars that she had inherited, but put the house in joint name with her husband. When they divorced, the judge said, ‘You lived there together for 10 years. It’s in your joint names, it’s joint property.’ Had she put it just in her name, she would have at least gotten her two million dollars back.” Keep your eye on your credit reports “Make sure you check your credit report,” Green says. “They’re free once per year, and exchange them with your spouse. Make sure that there are no debts being run up that you don’t know about.” Stay woke “In my experience, by the time a woman is facing a divorce, it’s too late,” Cheryl Dillon, divorce coach and co-founder of Equitable Mediation Services tells MadameNoire. “In many of the cases I’ve seen, the wife has relied on her husband to manage the household finances — whether that’s paying the bills, saving for retirement, or managing a household budget. More often than not, the women I’ve worked with don’t have any interest in being involved. So the best way a woman can protect her assets in the event of a divorce is to be involved in the household finances from the start. She should pay the bills, sit with her spouse and talk about retirement planning, ask to review quarterly financial statements so she has an understanding of the assets she/they have in savings and for retirement. And she should be an active participant in preparing their taxes. This way she’ll have a good understanding of the comings and goings of her financial matters so if she does find herself facing divorce, she’ll have an excellent idea of what she/the couple owns and owes, and can make smart decisions at that time regarding her financial future.”