Can I Mediate if I’m Angry?

Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn’t feel angry there's probably something wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce. When that person tells the other, they've decided to leave the marriage, the other's in shock and has to deal with many emotions: sorrow, fear and certainly anger.

Whether you're the angry one or dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it’s never easy. Anger builds up and can cause you or your spouse to lash out.

Anger is in fact a valuable tool when used correctly in mediation. Not only to resolve the divorce, but help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation, anger is a clue that there's an important piece of information which hasn't been expressed and needs exploring. Anger tells me someone has important needs which aren't being met. When someone is angry, I want to hear how they're feeling and understand why they're angry.

If you could resolve all of these problems yourselves, you probably wouldn’t be getting divorced. All couples have issues which feel overwhelming to one or both of you and it feel like the issue can't be resolved, but that's not a fact, it is how you feel. Hopefully, you're coming to mediation to help this resolution come sooner, rather than later.

I've seen people be transformed by the mediation process from the time when they first separate, when they are full of fear and don’t know what their future will look like and a year on, when all issues have been worked out and they've learned they can survive and develop a new, full and satisfying independent life.

If the feelings are too painful, I will offer people the choice not to speak to each other directly. If someone's very angry, they may prefer to speak to me rather than to their spouse. We may need to take a break from mediation, sometimes a few weeks, until the person starts to work through the anger and feel better. I may have some separate meetings with the angry person to help them explore their options and understand what is at the core of the anger, usually as part of a joint session in which I'd also meet with the spouse to get their input on how to meet the needs of the angry person so we can move through and work with the anger.

When we use anger as a tool, it can fuel movement in mediation. I mediated a divorce where the husband, Bill* expressed a lot of anger during our first session. He didn't want to pay alimony (which in NY state is called maintenance) and was furious that his wife, Cathy* was requesting it. As we began to explore this issue, Cathy spoke about why she felt she was entitled to alimony, she’d given up her career to take care of their children and this was a joint decision they made when they first had kids. This information didn't ease his anger.

I asked Bill to tell us why he felt so strongly about it and assured him Cathy would listen and not interrupt. He began to talk eloquently about how difficult this time had been for him, how he was living in a small apartment while his wife and kids were in their spacious house. How he didn’t have money to go out to dinner or a movie, how he was cooped up, alone in the apartment, while she was in their beautiful home with the children.

Bill’s anger helped him to express important needs, that he hadn't expressed before. He felt financially things were tight. He felt under a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner. He felt Cathy didn’t understand what he was going through. He felt he didn’t see his children enough.

Cathy was able to hear all of this and responded by talking about the financial pressures she also felt. She couldn’t buy new shoes for the kids or herself, nor could she get her hair colored. Cathy was sympathetic to her husband and was having a similar experience. Cathy had planned to go back to work, but after listening to Bill, she said she realized she needed to try to find a job immediately. She said she wasn't at all trying to keep the children from their father and offered to alter the schedule anytime he could get off work early to spend time with them.

When I helped Cathy listen to Bill and he felt heard, his anger began to dissipate. He acknowledged what a wonderful mother she'd been and how glad he was that she’d been able to be home with them and was even able to realize he felt sad she wasn’t going to continue to be home with them.

This family was able to resolve their conflict over alimony and anger was a useful tool. The discussion shifted, instead of the problem being whether Cathy would take money from Bill, we instead confronted a shared problem, how to have more money in the family?

I told the couple about tax implications – money paid for child support is not deductible, but money paid for maintenance IS deductible. Suddenly, Bill’s eyes lit up. He realized that if he paid alimony to Cathy, and she used it to run the household, they would both end up in lower tax brackets, thereby resulting in a net tax savings. (Note: This law changed Jan. 2019 – alimony is no longer deductible to payor under federal law, though it’s still deductible under NY state law.)

We ended the session talking about how much and how long he should pay Cathy maintenance, instead of whether he would give it to her.

Sometimes anger can't be so easily resolved. Many fights are caused by disappointed expectations. No one gets married expecting to divorce.

If you feel overwhelmed by the feelings of your divorce, don't be afraid to seek help. Get additional support in your life, consider seeing a therapist for a period of time. The more support you get, the faster you will get through this and come out the other side. You WILL find your way through these difficult changes. Someday you'll look back and find that it made you stronger and wiser.