It's a challenge in many relationships, to communicate your needs in ways that doesn’t come across as slamming your partner. I see men who feel decimated by the woman’s criticism. When I think the woman is saying, “I need this and I would like to tell you about my needs, so that we can figure out a way for you to meet them and I will be happy and you will be happy.” Sometimes the man doesn't hear it that way.
Callie and Brandon, unmarried parents, were so united talking about their child, that it seemed it would be the easiest mediation, why did they even need me? Then we started talking about money. I could see Callie feeling Brandon was ungenerous and Brandon felt stretched and unable to pay anything towards support, food, diapers, childcare.
In discussion, they were unable to create an environment to work together, contribute to their home and child. As soon as she spoke, he shut down, practically rolled his eyes saying, “here we go again, whatever I do is unnoticed, unacknowledged, she's only focused on what she wants.” He couldn't hear what she was saying.
Being engrossed with one’s own actions and point of view is normal and human. However, in a couple, how can each partner bring acknowledgement of the other’s actions? In mediation, we really are in this together, because we won’t have a solution unless it works for both people.
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