Often in mediation, we discover how conflict brings forward other issues, including those of self worth. A couple, we'll call them Allie and Warren, came to see me to mediate the terms of their separation.
While still living together, the questions I ask a separating couple include:
What are your thoughts about who will move out?
What schedule do you want for the children to spend time with both of you?
Do you want to separate finances now? Which most likely will require child and maybe spousal support and determine who will pay which expenses?
Or do you want to maintain joint accounts and continue to pay bills together, including the cost of an additional apartment.
As we talked, it seemed Allie wanted a more detailed and final separation, closer to a comprehensive divorce settlement. She wanted to separate their money and didn’t want Warren looking at her spendings or commenting on how she spent. This couple can afford to have one kid in boarding school and one in private day school and yet, most of their conflicts revolve around money.
But was the conflict really about money?
Allie hadn't worked outside the home during their marriage. Their older child had special needs and Allie had been the parent who organized and brought the child to all of the diagnostic and therapy/treatment appointments, while at the same time managing the household. Allie spoke clearly about the ways she'd contributed to Warren’s and to the children’s successes, Warren had been able to work late and travel as much as his employer needed him to. He was able to be completely dedicated to his career because Allie was at home dedicated to running the family.
Warren agreed that Allie had done great work as a parent and homemaker. However, I could see Allie didn't hear Warren’s compliments and recognition, but an offhanded comment to the contrary, stung her deeply. She said, during their marriage she would occasionally want to pamper herself in some way but Warren would make disparaging comments about her spending, which made her feel worth less than Warren because her work didn't bring in money.
It was her feelings of being worth less than Warren that caused Allie to end the marriage. Allie said to me during mediation, “I want spousal support that will give me what I’m worth.” This struck me as a very difficult goal. Is our worth as human beings tied to how much we earn or don’t earn, in our jobs? Personally, I don’t think so. Would their children feel that their mother is worth less as a person because she's not earning? Definitely not.
Can the amount of monthly spousal support that Warren pays Allie, make her feel she's worth more? I would say, no. As the lyric from Bob Frankse's For Real says, “There’s a hole in the middle of the prettiest life,” and nothing will fill it up.
How mediation can get to the heart of the issue:
It doesn’t help that Allie hasn't handled the money during their marriage. Warren pays the bills, invests their savings and retirement assets. Allie admits she's not good at understanding finances, so she may not have a realistic understanding of what the options for monthly support are.
Warren started out by offering her 50% of the family income and said they would each pay 50% of the family expenses but Allie felt that would be too much book-keeping. That surprised me, as 50% means Allie is an equal. What's more fair than that?
This is what mediation's about, working towards understanding. Often, what we're fighting about isn't actually what we're fighting about.
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