One of the most painful issues that I see among divorcing couples is the tendency to self blame to a fault. Meaning, person one says something that might be innocent or might even be a fact and person two hears it as searing criticism.
For example, “I am a teacher, so I can be with our child at 3pm. On your nights he is not with you until 6pm.”
This is a factual statement. The 6pm parent practically burst into tears, hearing it as an accusation of not being a dedicated, caring parent.
I guess we're all hypersensitive when it comes to comments from our spouses and even more so, when the relationship has deteriorated to the point of breaking up. I always feel speechless at these moments. My goal, during mediation, is to bring that dynamic to their attention.
“So, it sounded to me as if you felt like M was saying that you are a less involved parent.”
“Yes, he/she was saying that.” will reply the upset parent.
“M, were you trying to say that?”
Usually M will respond with, ‘Absolutely not. I know that you are a completely committed and involved parent. In fact a great parent to our child.’
How painful to be in a relationship where you are so often wounded by the other, whether or not the other has not been intending to wound you, which probably lead to the breakdown of the relationship. We are all happiest in relationships where we like ourselves, we like the person we feel that we are when with the other person. Self worth plays such a big part of this.
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