When I get a call from someone whose spouse has substance abuse, my heart sinks. Substance abuse is a challenging, intractable problem. It feels as if there are two relationships within the marriage. The relationship between the two spouses and the relationship between the addict and their addiction. How do you trust someone who’s as obsessed and driven as an addict?
We can't have a negotiated settlement with someone who's actively addicted to a mind-altering substance and still in the throes of the fight.
AA’s Step One – admit you have a problem. This really is the first step and absolutely a prerequisite for negotiating in mediation. We must be able to talk about the risks to the family members and can’t do that if the addict hasn’t completed Step One.
These are some of the challenges I’ve seen…
A man who every night drinks to oblivion. Blackouts around 7pm and wants his 5 year old twins to spend the night at his apartment. What if one of the kids wakes during the night unwell? Will dad be able to get up and help the child? No, because when someone’s passed out, they’re not asleep, they’re unable to be woken.
A woman drank till she passed out on the floor, while supposedly caring for her 1 ½ year old. She'd left a pot on the stove with the burner on. Luckily the dad came home and found the child playing on the floor next to his mother. The pot was burnt but hadn’t yet, caused a fire.
An 8 year old woke in the night and went looking for his father, much to his surprise and terror found he was alone with his sleeping 6 year old sister. Dad had put the kids to bed and thought, “Oh, now I’m free to go to the local pub for a drink.” How do I know about this story? The terrified child called his mother, she dropped everything and rushed over to pick up the kids.
If we can’t discuss the risks to family members and the non-addicted person’s fears, then we can’t begin to figure out guidelines for working with these families.
That’s not to say that there’s no way back. People can get sober and successfully stay sober and change their lives. We want to support recovery efforts wherever we see them. However, we can’t rush to the finish line, it takes the time it takes.
And if we do have someone who’s working on sobriety, how do we quell the other parents’ concern and fears?
Some choices are daily drug and alcohol tests and / or have another adult present. Maybe a family member or sitter, who monitors the situation and has authority to take the kids and leave, if they have reason to suspect that the parent is relapsing.