A lot of parents don’t know how to navigate a conversation with their kids about their separation or divorce. I want to share some rules and guidelines...
“We told our teenager on Monday that we're separating. I'm uncertain how to have read the expression on her face… maybe shock or disbelief. We've had so many years of conflict, it’s hard to believe she's surprised. It unnerved me. We went shopping on Tuesday and had a nice day, had some great moments, bopping around looking for cool stuff. But there was a pallor that was present all day.”
“I want to be able to tell our child why this happened, so she understands, but I don’t want to play the blame game. I can’t be completely honest, so I think she's confused and I'm getting stressed.”
"I don’t feel grounded when my ex is around, I'm sad and angry. Sad about the loss and doing this to our child, when she's getting ready to go to college. Everyone's putting on their happy face but it's confusing.”
My Advice:
It’s always amazing how much kids can be in their own heads and not notice things going on around them. We can think they know/sense what's going on between adults but they often don't or don't recognize yet, what it is they're seeing.
Good rules to live by:
Let the child ask the questions. Don’t bring it up or volunteer information, other than what is being asked for. Be open and answer all your child’s questions while following the rest of these rules.
Remember psychologically/unconsciously children feel that they're half their mother and half their father, so if someone says, "Your dad's lazy", they hear it as, "Half of me is lazy." This can help to guide you to avoid the blame-game when answering their questions.
Remind the child that she/he didn’t do anything to cause this. Because of the way our brain develops, it's important to reassure children that they are not to blame.
In my experience, deep down children know the truth of their parents’ divorce. They know both of you, inside and out and over the next 20 or so years they'll ask more questions. Breathe. There's time.
Finding that balance between feeling you're being your authentic self and protecting the child can be challenging. Remember she/he doesn’t need, nor want details that you might find important. It’s the end of a long relationship and very normal to have mixed and complicated feelings, for all of you. If you’re feeling sad, you’re allowed to tell your child that. However, it's best to keep the complaining to your friends and your therapist, not to your kids.
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