I met with a couple who about 14 years ago, used mediation for their divorce and wanted to resolve a new conflict in their restructured family. They were having trouble figuring out the amount of credit the father should get, as one of the kids was going to college and no longer had expenses at the mother's home. This created a lot of conflict and because of it, the children spent almost no time with their father and on the infrequent occasion when the parents did communicate, it was via text.
I felt nervous before the meeting. I was worried that the distance of the years that have passed would turn the whole thing into a screaming match. Instead, it turned out that the parents have really pulled it together to support their children in a way I found very moving.
The mother agreed it wasn't fair to receive child support while their son was away. This lowered the temperature in the room as the father felt understood and didn’t have to fight as hard.
They said that their son was having challenges and the mother had found a boarding school for him to attend. The parents weren’t speaking much at that point, so the mother just put together the money to pay for a year in boarding school. The father said, 'She did an amazing job and probably saved his life. I didn’t have the money to pay for my half but in the future, I will pay her back.'
Since they both acknowledged each other’s needs, the rest was simple calculations. We finished up and they left. When I came out of my office about 15 minutes later, I saw them standing together up the block, talking.
Shifting our focus can help us resolve conflicts.
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