Fuel for Fights

April 20th, 2017

People get into the worst fights when what they are fighting about is not what they are really fighting about.

I am working with a couple who have an extremely (unusually) hostile and embittered post-divorce relationship. I am working with them as a parenting coordinator, not a mediator – which means that I was appointed by the court, and have the power to make decisions, if there is a time-sensitive matter pending. Usually, during mediation, I don’t have the power to make decisions (and why should I? Those are not my kids).

This couple contacts me periodically to mediate disagreements, as they arise.

Recently, they reached out to me, because their child’s pediatrician recommended that the child see a psychiatrist. (‘Hurray,’ I thought, because after witnessing the amount of venom and rage that these parents express toward each other, I could only imagine how pulled-in-two that child is constantly feeling – great to give the child the support of a therapist.)

But now they are tussling – bitterly – over which psychiatrist to choose! The father works at a premier, top-ranked teaching hospital, and received some referrals to a couple of doctors affiliated with the hospital, by someone in his department. The mother now thinks that anyone in the hospital is automatically suspect, and will be biased in favor of the father, simply because he works there.

Conflicts are:

Will Dr. be biased in favor of the parent who pays? One parent has offered to pay if services are not covered by insurance.
Will Dr. be biased if one parent is employee of the same hospital at which Dr. is working?
Will the child be pressured by one parent or the other to choose a Dr. which he/she chose first?

And the real underlying conflict is the competitive battle that these parents remain locked in – who will ultimately “win?” Because – I would think that credentials and years of experience would give the doctor a presumption of competence.

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